This Is The Worst Feeling Ever

I just realized that the only dream, the only thing which I really wanted to be, my dream for my future, can never happen.
It's not that it should be impossible, it is more the fact that I have ruined my own chance. All in all, I had decided this dream since I was 19, and I went around talking happily and stronger for it each year.

My greatest dream was to be a police, the only living thing that could even be similar to knights of this day and age.
I like the idea of helping people, my head is always leveled, I have even saved 20 people from ultimate death by being burned, and a lot of animals that people asked me to threw (those heartless scoundrels or how one say it). It is because of one stupid thing I did. Let me explain... when I was a kid, I stealed my first gum when I was 5, and I was yelled at, I stole it from a hospital. Red gum. Extra. I did not think one had to pay though, but it became caught in my mind. When I started stealing for real I was 6 years, inspired by robin hood, and Olsen, I soon became a stores greatest fear. I was at first a loner, but when I was nine... I was so great in my stealing that I got a gang of over 20 kids to join, I named us the "wolfpack" and we used to howl at this hill by our school. No other kids was allowed at our hill. I was the pack leader with the ideas that other followed.
Then.. when I was 12 years as the small store was closed down, and somehow I feelt guilt. I was the one which had been responsible for teaching the other kids to steal, and I had quit, and disbanded the wolfs. I had not intended that store to be ruined.. it was never my intention. I only though I could help the poor kids that did not have cash to get candy the way like robin hood stole from the rich sorta. The man had candy, I did not consider the impact. Me alone might be okay, but when all the kids in the area learns to steal without being caught... I am a terrible person perhaps. But I wanted to do good things, I know I did not do anything good.. but my parents never told me about it, or yelled at me. Or they did, but I was beat for many things, I used to hide other places to escape my family often. I did not like violence and how I was treated differently because I was the youngest. I always hate it when people treat others differently, because they were so mean with my sister and my brother. They named my brother fat and ugly, and many other things, my sister was ugly, a ***** and always yelled at, while I was the "good child" they loved. I wanted them to despie me as much though because, I did not wish my siblings to hate me. It was to no awail as my sister really hated me, and my brother did as well.

I stayed clean of stealing after that, and it went some years before my sister took me shop lifting with her.
Her friend which usually did it whit her had moved, so as I was just happy to be with my sister, I found out soon though, in my age of late 17-19 years. I had been at a foster care when I was 15 years, where I decided to never be the kind to my parents again. I hate them trully with all my being those days, using violence,attacking me, hitting me so hard my eye only saw red. Getting out with my sister was a relief, and I though she might accept me more. Though I learned she did not like me much. She often took me out, and stuff, I ended up being sent in taxies to weird guys who wanted to do things, I did not like it at all, and found I did not like drinking with my sister. Also I found that my friends wanted me to feel terrible many times. They never smiled if I did, like if it was ying yang, I had to drown in pain or something for they to have it good. I really do not like it...
Anyways, the thing is I stopped stealing and suddenly realized what I wanted to be. I wanted to be police, because one time I was at the city I heard about this guy who had been beat up by police. I did not like it. I wanted to become a police and do something to make people nicer in police. I wanted to make a change, be a good police. The more I though about the idea, the more I realized, it was a dream I had. When I was young I wanted to be a saviour of sorts, a knight, someone people could look up to perhaps. If I could make people steal, could I not change the violent police people as well? I decided to shoot for such a future when I was 20 years. I told everyone my reasons and people encouraged me, I really feelt happy about it. I was going to be something I could really be proud of.
Then... I moved home a while, I was thinking of moving together with my sister, I made her swear that she would move with me if I went home again, I was 21, and my sister promised. We searched a long while, but the times we were to get appartment she blew it. *sigh*
As we were toghether and going to stores and all, she began putting lots and lots of valuable stuff in my purse, without my sentence.
I was outraged when I learned what she had done, she knew I wanted to be police, then she told me it was not that big of a deal and all... somehow, I did not want her to be in jail, and going to a store about it would be kinda weird and they would maybe think I was the thief... I did not stop her, I told her she could do what she wanted, but to leave me out of it. She did not stop putting things in my purse though, which annoyed me. Somehow though, around May that year, last year, I was in this store, little cash on me, there it was. A thing of ultimate temptation. A limited zelda box for ds. I had only about enough cash to one bag of chiken (no other food at home), no vegetables and nothing beside, just chicken for that cash, the zelda box cost the same amount. It was two weeks to I would get new cash and it was only ONE left.
Temptation struck me as I puzzled on what to do, and then my sister came to meet me... sigh... you might realize what happen next. I did not do what I would normaly do if I steal something though, I did not remove the paper on it. Usually I would do that to make sure that those hidden metal things do not reveal me, but this time I did not. I don't know why, but I decided to let it be in that paper box even if it was safest to remove. When I got past the casher, it begun beeping. I was of course taken and I was taken to testify, even though I almost made them think I bought it another place, as they were going to walk me over to that other store, I decided to tell the guard the truth instead. And I was taken, and got a fine at about 400 dollars size for a 10 dollars worth of trash. One of the reason I allowed myself to take it was because I also started to think "It is just game stuff? It is not really valueable, and this box is basically trash with motive on".. I did consider that I am going to become a police as well, and it would look bad if I was caught, but I allowed myself to be taken by the moment in mere fright of losing the treasure. I know it is confusing, my sister sorta helped me decide though...

So later that year she suddenly moved to school down south... and I was in the north, and she had deceived me, and deceived me some more, and I had come into school to get what I needed to study at police school... but then again, if you got a mark on your past, you can't become police in norway. I have been slowly losing my motivation throughout my whole year. At fall I was doing good enough to be police, but after christmas I simply could not bear it. I don't like the idea of continuing, it does not satisfy me. If I quit I can't tell people the real reasons either, and that is when it came to me... why I have lost my motivation.

My dream. I realized I had lost my dream and the future I wanted.
All because I am human, all because I though it might be okay to just do one more mistake in life before becoming one. Perhaps it was my own trial... and if so, I failed. But I realize how much my sister really must hate me as well. She did try to kill me sometimes and made me bald as kid and all, and dump me in taxies when drunk to make guys do things to me... ditch me at the city, steal my things, make me steal, and... ... I don't wanna say it, but I guess I realized that my sister really do not wish me to be happy. Why else would she recomend me doing something that would ruin my future? Why would she do things she knew I was against because I wanted to consider my future? I mean...

I realized how alone I really feel, and how much this dream meant to me. It was not just a dream, it was a reason for me.
Nothing I can do can bring meaning in the same way... I have lost my meaning. I don't have my dream, and in a cruel way, it is my own fault.


For listening I thank you... so now, let me die a little... *sigh*
Barlong Barlong
26-30, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

Die a little? i think this whole experience brought you a little more alive? did you not learn somethign new about yourself? having a ****** life is a gift in some ways. You will only learn things by going through hard things. You have been seperated from the rest of humanity. Given unique insight, strength, belief etc.