Lost Love Found Lost?
I came home from work about 6 weeks ago & opened my e-mail to find a message from Benji, a man I fell in love with 23 years ago.
It's all very complex but suffice it to say I was not totally honest with him when the relationship started. I moved away without ever telling him the whole story. There were numerous reasons for this: shame at hiding the truth and seeing no way out, believing that I'd violated one of the most sacred things in a relationship - honesty and therefore trust, and just being unable to see my way out of a mess I created.
I went back to find him twice after I left. The 1st time was about 8 months after I left. Then again 7 months later. In my search I discovered he was living with another woman. I never knew her name or exactly where they lived; I'm not sure it mattered. I went back home believing I misjudged the meaning of our relationship and how much he must hate me. Over the years, Benji has been my one great regret. I'd never been deceitful in a relationship before or since. And I guess because of the shame I felt over this, I rarely allowed the memories to surface. Suppression and repression were the modes of coping instead.
I wasn't sure how to respond to the e-mail or what tone the communication would take. The next month was a flurry of e-mails and text messages catching up on each other's lives as well as explaining what happened all those years ago.
Benji is married with two adolescent children and in remission (2 yrs), surviving a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Early on in our e-mails I asked if he was happy and he said yes, explaining he makes do with what he has. I had mixed feelings about this news. One part of me genuinely wanted him to be happy while another part had half-hoped he'd be willing to explore starting the relationship again.
We discussed our desires to see each other again and arranged a week long visit. Benji provided a few glimpses about his marriage that it wasn't all roses; among them being in a sexless marriage, having previous affairs, etc. I had (have) hopes that just maybe he'd find our feelings for each other still exist [they do] and he'd be willing to find a way for us to be together again.
I think we've found out the love is still there. For myself, being with him was truly like going home where I belong. I think he feels the same. However, I don't know if he's willing to leave his wife.
First, there's the children to consider. I know they are his life. I also know children have an innate sense of knowing when things are amiss between their parents, even if they are unable to pinpoint the reason.
Then there is his wife. Overall, she's a good person; I'm assuming she's a good mother, and he considers her a good friend. She just doesn't like sex. He says he's tried everything with her to try to resolve the problem without success. Benji is an attentive lover; I know this. While intimacy comes in many forms, there's nothing that surpasses a union of 2 bodies, 2 souls merging into one and soaring into another dimension.
So now I'm home again. There are times when Benji has become distant and then he's back again. A huge burden has lifted for me. I was afforded an opportunity to apologize and explain what happened back then. I now have peace about that.
As for the future, well, that's an unknown at the moment. I hope he doesn't make the same mistake I did and make a decision for me without discussing the possibilities. There's nothing I can do if he does.
I can see ways for us to be together again though I've not shared them with Benji. I think it has to come from him although I'm not sure if that's the best way to handle it. I know I don't want to be the party influencing the break up of his marriage. So, for now all I can do is hope.