Lost Love Found Lost?

I came home from work about 6 weeks ago & opened my e-mail to find a message from Benji, a man I fell in love with 23 years ago.

It's all very complex but suffice it to say I was not totally honest with him when the relationship started.  I moved away  without ever telling him the whole story.  There were numerous reasons for this: shame at hiding the truth and seeing no way out, believing that I'd violated one of the most sacred things in a relationship - honesty and therefore trust, and just being unable to see my way out of a mess I created.

I went back to find him twice after I left.  The 1st time was about 8 months after I left.  Then again 7 months later.  In my search I discovered he was living with another woman. I never knew her name or exactly where they lived; I'm not sure it mattered.  I went back home believing I misjudged the meaning of our relationship and how much he must hate me. Over the years, Benji has been my one great regret.  I'd never been deceitful in a relationship before or since. And I guess because of the shame I felt over this, I rarely allowed the memories to surface.  Suppression and repression were the modes of coping instead.

I wasn't sure how to respond to the e-mail or what tone the communication would take. The next month was a flurry of e-mails and text messages catching up on each other's lives as well as explaining what happened all those years ago.

Benji is married with two adolescent children and  in remission (2 yrs), surviving a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.  Early on in our e-mails I asked if he was happy and he said yes, explaining he makes do with what he has.  I had mixed feelings about this news.  One part of me genuinely wanted him to be happy while another part had half-hoped he'd be willing to explore starting the relationship again.

We discussed our desires to see each other again and arranged a week long visit.  Benji provided a few glimpses about his marriage that it wasn't all roses; among them being in a sexless marriage, having previous affairs, etc.  I had (have) hopes that just maybe he'd find our feelings for each other still exist [they do] and he'd be willing to find a way for us to be together again.

I think we've found out the love is still there.  For myself, being with him was truly like going home where I belong.  I think he feels the same.  However, I don't know if he's willing to leave his wife.

First, there's the children to consider. I know they are his life. I also know children have an innate sense of knowing when things are amiss between their parents, even if they are unable to pinpoint the reason.

Then there is his wife.  Overall, she's a good person; I'm assuming she's a good mother, and he considers her a good friend.  She just doesn't like sex. He says he's tried everything with her to try to resolve the problem without success. Benji is an attentive lover; I know this.  While intimacy comes in many forms, there's nothing that surpasses a union of 2 bodies, 2 souls merging into one and soaring into another dimension.

So now I'm home again.  There are times when Benji has become distant and then he's back again.  A huge burden has lifted for me.  I was afforded an opportunity to apologize and explain what happened back then.  I now have peace about that.

As for the future, well, that's an unknown at the moment.  I hope he doesn't make the same mistake I did and make a decision for me without discussing the possibilities.  There's nothing I can do if he does.

I can see ways for us to be together again though I've not shared them with Benji. I think it has to come from him although I'm not sure if that's the best way to handle it.  I know I don't want to be the party influencing the break up of his marriage.  So, for now all I can do is hope.

myndsi myndsi
51-55, F
7 Responses Jun 7, 2009

I lost my first love 4 years ago, we dated for almost 7 years. I dumped him and he got married a year later and now has a kid. I guess that means he didn't love that much? Anyhow, I constantly dream of him. First, he is with me, he plans on leaving his wife, these dreams repeated many times over several months. Now, the last dream I had he had already left his wife (divorced) and was about to explain me why it didn't work out bw them. Something like he didn't love her. I know these are my hopes and that's why I have this dreams. Like your stories I dream of him contacting me some day, but I know it won't happen.

Same boat.. heart broke. I love my husband & kids but I feel like I'm sacraficing happiness to keep everyone els happy. Which is the right thing to do (for them) It's hell & your right the talking & messaging, although NOT crossing a physical line is crossing an emotional one. I know I should quit contact, but it hurts to think about not hearing his voice again.

Hi im lanaysha n i loved dis story..i had to write a story fo mi class n i used dis story n got sn "a+" thx fo da amazing story :D

The only boy who ever made my heart skip a beat contacted me after 30 years wanting to meet and take a "trip down memory lane" and "not cross any lines." All the old feelings came flooding back for both of us. We couldn't message each enough for the first three months and we saw each other six times over the summer and still found each other really attractive but it was destined to crash and burn because we were both married and had families. We didn't cross any lines but we both wanted to and that made us both confused and uncomfortable in the end. My heart was broken because he said he loved his wife but wasn't "in love" with her and that made me realize my situation was the same but it was too late to change anything and that was just depressing. I wanted to stay friends but it was too painful because I really wanted more and knew it was impossible. I am still hurting months afterwards and can't stop myself from thinking about him every day which is why I am on this site. I would say if you are married and an old heart-throb contacts you don't explore it ... IGNORE IT!

I got together with my first love after 25 years apart the feeling of going home being apart of someone so long was awesome However it faded after 7 months and his broken common law marriage the relationship has ended badly we had changed way to much and because in truth we were in love with who we were 25 years ago not who we are now I am heart broken and feel betrayed please do not hurt yourself or your dear friend keep the good or you could end up with nothing but bad feelings

Thank you for your input. I agree, as long as one or both of us is married, pursuit of a relationship is futile. He is married; I am not. If he chooses to leave and I am still available, perhaps we have a chance. In the meantime, I continue to live my life almost as before. The only difference being I've now faced him, apologized, and explained what happened back then. I didn't know just how heavy the burden was until I became free of it.

Yes, for lifting those burdens! My FL and I have recently met up again and we both are apologizing.

I suggest that you close the door to this relationship. Do not pursue it. It will be detrimental to you both. As long as one or both of you are married, leave it alone.