I Keep It All In

I have this backlog of things I want to be able to talk to my wife about. My problems would all go away, I think, if I had the kind of relationship where I could be honest about my feelings. But I can't. I just can't. I have been conditioned throughout our long, long relationship to bury any notions that might conflict with her sense of idealistic well-being and/or domestic harmony. Because if I mention anything that she might take personally, I am in for a long drawn out battle that will more than likely result in me beating my hopelessly confused head against something hard. I am weak. I know it. Weak, and repressed. I know that she is not the boogeyman. But I can't take the mindfuck anymore. So if the truth hurts, I am going to keep it all in. 


So, what makes me think I can tell the truth in my writing, when I avoid it at all costs in my day-to-day life? Go figure. 

I was always afraid that I'd blow it. Deep down, I had this feeling of foreboding that I would never really make it in the real world. And now that that seems to be happening, I don't feel I have anywhere to turn. You're supposed to be able to confide in your wife all of your troubles. You're supposed to be able to take refuge and derive comfort from your family, use them as a source of inspiration to keep on fighting. but, what are you supposed to do when deep down you can't shake the feeling that your family(or, more specifically, your wife) is the reason for all your troubles? I guess a man in this situation usually sees two possibilities: a) run like hell, or b) be a man and honor your commitments, no matter how run down or bitter you become. I've chosen the latter, I guess.

Just like my father. He died an unhappy man, married to a woman he couldn't deal with, the owner of a small business that he could barely keep running. Towards the end of his life, all he had left were the alcohol, the nicotine and the golf. I'm not sure if me and my brother were in that same category, because, well, we didn't talk about things like that. I knew he loved me, though. But, why do I have to repeat his life?


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1 Response Feb 16, 2010

Questions.<br />
<br />
1. Do you love her.<br />
2. Does she love you.<br />
3. Do you smile when you think of her.<br />
4. Is this the life you want.<br />
<br />
If you cant talk to your wife about your problems. If there isn't trust. There isnt a relationship. <br />
In my opinion. a relationship needs HONESTY, TRUST, AN OPEN MIND, and LOVE.<br />
things like understanding, etc fall into those categories. <br />
<br />
If your depressed, would she think your weak? or do everything she can, in her own way, to try to make you happy?<br />
<br />
Do you feel she needs authority over you? That her need for a perfect life with you is part of her plan, her system? Are you just a part of her plan?<br />
<br />
Do you have the strength to break the relationship? or do you have even more strength to confront her?<br />
<br />
Have the strength to do the things your father couldn't do. Don't waste your life over a woman who doesn't make you happy, do you want a life of what ifs and only if i would haves? <br />
<br />
this is your life. nobody should live unhappy. you have the controls. your wife has been taking control of her own life, take control of yous...and be happy.