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Davesdaughter, You Are Not The Father.

So, theres an incident that happened two days ago, and I'm looking for an opinion. Im going to try to relay the events as unbiased as I can, but im guessing you will know what I think of it. Im not going to exaggerate any details, and the funny thing is i dont have to.

Okay, a friend of mine (ex bf) came down on Saturday, a three hour drive from where he lives to Ottawa where I do (I dont mind saying that Ottawa is huge! Good luck finding me lol!) Anyways, my mother told me that he wasnt allowed to sleep over at our house and I said i understood and we had no intention of him staying anyways, he was supposed to go home that day.

We hung out, went to the mall, I havent gone out and hung out with anyone since New Years and before that i cant remember the last time I was out with someone. Pretty much I go out maybe once or twice a month. its sad and pathetic, since thats how its been my whole life, im 20 years old and am still trying to live my childhood.

My cousin, Jess, texting me asking how my day out was going, and if I needed her to drive me home since she was in Ottawa as well and thought it would be easier for Damien (my ex). I said no that was fine Damien was going home soon anyway, then she offered if Damien would want to sleep over at her place because we just had 15cm of snow and the roads were pretty bad, I said yeah sure no problem. So it was set, me and Damien were going to sleep over at my cousins house, where she lives with her mum dad and grandmother.

I texted my mother and told her, and she had a fit. Saying that this was planned all along, that I would screw her over like this. Heres the thing, I have a little brother, as most know, who is disabled. He cant speak, but isnt mute and has developmental issues (but he is really smart) anyways I watch him every morning when my mother goes to work. Monday-Friday I put him off on the bus at 9 then get him off the bus at 3 watch him until 7 when he goes to bed, Saturdays and Sundays I watch him from 6:30 in the morning til whenever my mother gets home (normally 2pm) but then she passes out on the couch and i have to watch him anyway.

This is the reason why she said I was screwing her over. She asked me who was supposed to watch Jeff (my bro) and I said "Billy?" (my other cousin who watches him sometimes) and shes like "No, you".

You havent a clue how much that infuriated me. A little background note here, ive always done what my mother tells me to do. Always. She tells me I cant, i dont, she tells me i must, i do. ALWAYS. My friends and other family members have been telling me to stop the cycle, she has to know that im an adult now and she needs to give me space, im not her nanny. Even my father said before he passed that i was sacrificing my own life for my mother and thats not healthy. But i understand that she works two jobs and thats tiring and she needs help so im there for her.

But this time, i just honestly needed to get out of the house (i hadnt LEFT my house since New Years, like literally hadnt taken a step outside my home)

So I told her respectfully that no i wasnt going to be the one to watch Jeff and she needed to find a babysitter, I called Billy for her to see if he was home but he wasnt and i told her that and told her she could cal Grandma or some other relative that Im sure would help her out. This is when she started calling me selfish and a brat and saying that Im a slob and dont do anything around the house to help her and shes getting tired of the way i treat her and well if i want to work two jobs and pay the bills then i can do that instead of her because its obvoius that I dont appreciate her.

After trying to be reasonable, I admit i blew up on her, i told her that i was not being selfish, in fact it was her being selfish, using me all the time to nanny her son and helping her with her job when she had it, sacrificing my childhood for her and her son, who i love dearly, but i cant stand it because, guess what mother dearest, I am NOT the father!

And thats that. I came home yesterday my mother was slamming pots and pans around ignoring me when she DID talk to me it was harsh and short. Then she came into my room and proceeded to tell me i hurt her feelings and that i was ungrateful (not in a nice way i mean she yelled it at me) and i told her exactly "Im sorry you feel that way, mum, but that wasnt my intentions"

So she still "hates" me and wont talk to me and I honestly dont know what to do. Ive thought about moving out but i cant do that to Jeff. Im going to have to keep putting my foot down about being able to go out, but if i keep doing that shes just going to keep being like this, just childish and rude.

Was i in the wrong?

Rereading this ive realized I wasnt as unbiased as I wanted to be, but everything is factual and not exaggerated in any way.
DavesDaughter DavesDaughter 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 17, 2011

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Your mom needs to cut the bonds here a little....

No girl you have ever right in the worlf to be upset. It seems like she is using you as a crutch because she knows you always say yes. I see that you love your mother and brother both otherwise you woulnt be caught in the middle. Hope things get better. Be string girl

Well it is a start 1. I am proud of you for doing something for yourself. 2. Now the 2 of you need to sit down & find a way that you can help with your brother & still have a life. Maybe if thier were more people to help. 2 family members to take over on fri & tues that way you can have a life & maybe take mom out she might like a girls day out.

If you ever need to talk, I have big ears..I guess I am young at heart because Rocky(19)has his friends over to hang out..I remember when Nicky was young, I somehow blamed myself for his aspergers,etc..he is also bi-polar, but very intelligent...through his therapist working on me, the guilt left...I don't drink or smoke and had a healthy pregnancy..he will find his way..it will take him a bit longer,but he will and you will too:)

Thanks narnia, its good to hear from someone who is actually in the situation as well as the others.



I wish there was some way i could explain it to my mother, but shes jsut one of those people who get defensive off the bat and refuse to listen. Close minded you could call it. Love her to death, but shes VERY stubborn.

I agree with Destiny..I have a son that is disabled and another son(6 years older)who helped, but he had a life...my ex was out drunk too much to help, but Tommy had a social life...I am sorry, she is being unfair and using the 2 jobs to back up her argument>trying to put the guilt trip on..You are 20 years old and have done well..you're not rebellious, just frustrated..my oldest son is on his own now, living in another city..it is stressful when a loved one is disabled, but I am not going to "disable" my other sons to rectify this..I am divorced(thank God) and my youngest son and Nick(who is disabled) are living on our own...we find a way to make it and Rocky has a social life as well...I wouldn't be a good mom to have kept my sons from "becoming"..I am not saying your mom isn't a good one, but I don't agree with her on this one:)

Thanks guys, seriously makes me feel better about the whole thing.

I wish your mom and you could be in a room and talk nicely as adults. I understood your frustration as well as the stress that both of you are facing. I'm not at your mom side, but put yourself in her shoes too. She's supporting the family with 2 jobs! She's considered lucky to have jobs in this current economic situation and she have to work hard to keep it!





At the same time, because of her hectic working life, she most probably didn't realised that you need some time & space for your own. She overlooked this. So, you need to discuss this with her in a respect manner and I hope she do the same.

You put up with that? Well your mum should giv u som room or else u wil lose yourlife to her! Imagen your 50 and you stil liv wiv ur mum single cauz ur mum stops u from spendin time wiv ur bf and stil bin treated like a 13yr old! U should talk 2 ur mum go up 2 her and explain u need som room talk about getin an apartment a blok away! Say u'll stil help out wiv jef and nofin wil change!

Thanks for the post AD, I love hearing from you.



I guess I feel like what i do around the house in regards to watching my brother, isnt appreciated. That I do sacrifice a lot for her and im not repaid, neither with money nor thanks.



I really hope an understanding can pass between us, but even if one doesnt, at least I can know that im not the only one who thinks this way.



I cant see how I can be more helpful to her without taking on her role completely. Its tiring.



Thanks again AD!

This is a superbly-chronicled example of one of the ways families deal with the stresses of having a disabled family member, DD.



You were not in the wrong. And, in a way, neither was your Mother entirely wrong. It is obvious that the stresses you are both under have been building for a long time, and reached their tipping-point.



Sometimes it takes an angry confrontation such as this to allow people the freedom to express their frustrations honestly and fully. Hopefully, as well as being angry, you and your Mother also listened to each other, and maybe understand each other a little better now.



Given that you were an active party in the events you describe, it would be impossible for you to be completely unbiassed. But you seem to have recorded the episode in a most even-handed way, for which I congratulate you.