What Is It Truely Like?

I can't say for certain I've ever been truely happy...

but.. i've been with people who made me happy for a time.
or i've gone on vacations that brought joy at the escape from all that i live on a day to day basis.

I can only imagine that being really.. happy... is like that for all days, or at least most of them.

i've lived with depression all my life... fought a losing battle and still shouted back in my mind that I will beat this and it will not control my life! that i will one day be the victor and be happy from then on and live for myself, loving life!

... so why do i still cry alone most nights?
even those that were "happy" days, enjoyed with friends?

just now, i've finished watching a very happy movie with my best friend, and had a great night!
... so what the **** is the point of these tears in my eyes???
why can't life just be a LITTLE more straightforward. if it's going to make me feel the way i do, why can't i even get an explanation?

I have to be able to give something to myself. and not just to others as i try.
but what do i take? what should i leave? and what should i ignore?
deleted deleted
26-30
Jan 11, 2013