It's Been One Of Those Taupe-colored Days

My period ended two days ago, and I'm feeling it as my oxytocin levels drop into the toilet. I had a bad dream last night about my terminally ill ex-boyfriend dying in the hospital. I was there visiting him with another person who wasn't a real individual but just a dream person. I had brought four bottles of nail polish: teal, purple, dark green, and orange. For some reason, I poured them into a plastic shopping bag, one color atop the other into a big, thick puddle. I watched as the different colors very slowly began to blead together and felt an incredibly deep, painful sense of regret :( I felt like I had done the wrong thing by pouring out all of the nail polish from the differently-shaped bottles. I decided to try to paint my ex's tonails to make him feel better because he had horrible toenail fungus and would not live long enough for it to clear up (weird, I know. But it was a dream.) So I tried to use the mixed-up nail polish to create a camo-print-like design, but felt the design just wasn't good enough, so I took a bathroom break, mainly to hide away until I decided what I should do about the nail polish catastrophe. The bathroom was dirty and smelly because a fat kid had just left the cubicle. Also, the toilet was like the type found in port-o-potties and contained filthy blue water and had urine all over the seat. The toilet was coming loose from the wall, so I got out of there and wandered down the corridor.
I woke up from that dream about ready to cry because my ex REALLY IS dying, and that's why he broke up with my in February. I hate to be reminded of it even in my sleep.
To add insult to injury, someone I care for very much and am attracted to has been giving me the brush off, leaving me with a broken heart yet again. I didn't know it was possible for a heart so gnarled with past scars to be torn so easily again and again. I just wish the callouses criss-crossing it would hold it together from now on. I'm just glad I have my meds to do that for my mind.
So anyway, at least I've met some nice people on here to talk to, but one day I hope to find more. A cyber friend can't hold you when you cry, he can't wipe the tears from your face and you can't smell his unique personal scent. He can't fill up your world with his presence, only your mind with longing and the lonliness of being tantalized be false hopes. So, with nowhere to turn, I will just write stories about my fantasies and we can all read them together so that all of us lonely people can have someone to hold us- if only in our thoughts.