"why Won't You Let Me Touch You?"

Just venting...he doesn't work this weekend and I have to get it out before it comes up again:

You ask me why I flinch when you touch me? Because when your fingers grace my skin, I see her face. When you glance at your phone, I see her smiling on the other end as she presses the send button. Because when you tell me you love me, I hear that sorry excuse that your "mistakes" don't mean that you don't love me.

You ask me why I turn my face away when you lean in for a kiss? Because I kissed you passionately, made love to you endlessly, asked for more when you had already climaxed twice...all the while not knowing that you were talking to her while you were at work.

You ask me why my movements are awkward and stiff? Because I danced around the house, thinking that I could trust you again. Meals were on the table no matter how late you came in the house. If you had already eaten, I never uttered a complaint- just put it in tupperware for you to take for lunch although you wouldn't.

You ask me why I wince when you tell me your phone died and that you were working late? Because no matter how strong I pretend to be, I don't want to find you in a lie. But my gut is telling me that you are not being honest with me.

A few nights of sleeping alone-I'm able to sleep in the same bed as you. I am able to sit in the same room as you and not burst into tears. But I'm still not ready to kiss you, to be held by you, and everything else. I don't want to be coddled, manipulated, or hurt further. I will make demands...and not be talked out of them by you tapdancing on my emotions. I will be happy and it won't be based on your ability to fool me into thinking you've changed because you can kiss it away. No...show me that you are willing to truly change your ways. Let go of this relationship you have with your ex coworker and wait for me- let me know that I can trust you with my heart. My kisses, my touch are attached to my heart and soul- sex and intimacy are one and don't come as a separate "asset."

You ask me why I won't let you kiss me? Because I see a kiss as a sign of a contract between us, and only us, to love each other and be faithful to each other, but when you kissed me last, I saw her face.
b4realz b4realz
31-35, F
4 Responses Dec 14, 2012


I wish you were closer....hugs.

Trust is so hard to mend after it has been betrayed and broken. What a lot of cheaters don't get is that for it to be rebuilt, it takes more than just words/promises/a touch. It takes true time, commitment, and sincerity.

I'm so sorry honey that you are going through this.