To Be Me

My sister recently visited me over the holidays and we went out for lunch.  When we met up at the restaurant she says why are you so dressed up?  To this I respond, this is dressed up-skinny jeans and a to?  And she says yes, you look like you are going out dancing or something! ..What she asked was actually a Good question.  Why do I seemed dressed up for a simple lunch at a fast food Asian restaurant when I don’t even feel like dressing up today?  And as we finish lunch and leave the restaurant I see this woman walk in with 4 inch heels and a short dress and I realized what I have slowly become… That person who feels a need to be pretty and attractive all the time despite the fact I know I am even after two children.  That person who no longer feels comfortable walking out the door all natural.  The person who must dust some makeup on before she steps her foot anywhere.  And suddenly I realized I have really drifted away from being ME.  The me that wants to be able to be a mess on certain days or mornings and walk out the door a mess in sweats and not have to think that of or if I should encounter some young bimbo eyeing my husband, he will respond and  my ego will be destroyed.  Once upon a time the me would not have given a s*** about that.  But I guess being betrayed over and over still yields this mental damage. Or what if we encounter the other **** in the picture and she eyes me up and down and knows she will steal my man away.  But now, I really am hitting that point of WHO CARES!  Take him, you deal with his sarcasm, insensitivity, mistreatments, and eventually betrayal.  I just need to be me.  The me who after being married for 13 years and having two children, can gain a little weight without feeling self-conscious.  The me that can enjoy any shows and not be judged by.  The me with that one person that understand that I just want… to…ME.  To be me without having to get a consequence of betrayal from her significant other.  The me who should not care to want to try and find out what or who he is doing.  The me that just wants to shout get the hell away from me and let someone else deal with your s*** cause I have tried for 13 + years already.  Do you not get, I don’t want to be with you if you need to cheat on me?  Does your selfishness never stop?  Why don’t you drag yourself down?  Because for me, Misery does not love company.

In my mind, love and marriage should not be that way.  And if it is to you, why bothered getting married?  Just stay in that dating scene and not cause so much heartache and pain for others.  Will your selfishness never stop? The last comments are directed to the cheaters of the world.  I would gladly send you a dollar so that you can buy a clue about love and marriage.  Because you truly have no idea and to keep saying/lying you do is just an insult on the people who do believe it.

Enough55 Enough55
31-35, F
Jan 8, 2013