Im So Very Tired....

i will start my story out by saying that im so tired. Not physically, but mentally. my life is a mess and im not really sure how i got here. but its caving in around me. every body is so quick to say that there are other people that has it worse than you and ive never understood that statement beccause how does knowing that help me at all? im grateful for what i do have but im so tired of struggling. it is a real challenge just getting out of bed in the morning. i try to give myself a pep talk but i have nothing to say thats gonna cheer me up.. "come on lets get out of this bed and go to work even though you still are in the proccess of being evicted" "hey there champ lets face the day, where no one cares if you live or die" so the pep talks dont really work. i dont just want tp cry, i do all the time, but it doesnt help, so i just feel dumb after the fact. so then i dont and then im just numb for a while. i dont know what to do to get my life together. i dont have any children, im educated, i just cant find a good job.. ive never had the family that i could talk to about stuff like this because it was always a pitty party if i did. but just once i wish i had someone to just listen and say something meaningful or tell me that im not nuts and that it will get better. there have been times that i would rather just go to sleep and not wake up than to deal with my life. i dont want to think about those things but i cant stop them and i just cry untill i cant see anymore. i wish people cared. i wish someone gave a ****. i ahd what i thought was a great guy but then he turned out to be an alcoholic and was verbally abusive beyond the ability to comprehend. i think about how a person could treat a person so bad and not care at all. i pray to God often and things get worse. im lost, im confused, im drowning and i just want to get my head above the water so that i can breath. how do i fix this? what do i do when im doing the best that i know how to do? crying? thats an understatement.. i actually want to die but i cant take my own life becaue i dont want to go to hell... so i just keep crying, and crying, and crying untill i run out of tears..............
ivegotissues ivegotissues
26-30, F
2 Responses May 13, 2012

I know exactly how you feel, I find myself crying at least 3 times a day. My family is in another state and they can't help me. They get very judgmental. I do have 3 kids at home and I feel so frustrated, im crying so much that I'm missing out on them. I can't help it, just happens.

I don't know what is your problem. You have not made the core issue clearly. You said you are struggling and lots of crying etc. But, what is your issue. Do you feel no meaning in the life? You get up and the routine, so now life, is that what you mean to say?<br />
There is a story. A man felt like you went to a saint and told him I dont have peace and happiness, but I have everything in life. The saint didn't say anything. Then after some days, this guy came to the saint with a heavy bag and sat in front of the saint and told, "sir, further to my last talk with you, I condition got worst, I get up everyday and the same routine life, so I sold all my properties and kept the money in this bag and I want to go somwhere and see whether I can get some happiness. Hearing this the saint snatched his heavy bag and started to run. This man running behind the saint souting, oh my god what a mistake I made, I believed this guy is saint whereas he seems to be a thief, let someone catch that foolish beggar. So, the saint was running fast and running, hiding and running like that he spent the whole half day and finally he returned back to his place and by that time that guy also reached and grabbed the bag and felt sigh releif and my got now only I got the relief and happiness. Then the saint said, "Yeah that is what I wanted to show you" Happiness is not in the materials, and when you lost and got back you felt happiness. <br />
We have to create a meaning for the life. You are now aimless. Life is killing the time in best possible manner. When we have family or children the time is occupied with them, by doing things for them we start to feel happy. When they are sick, like that guy in the story we start to feel depressed and when they recovered from sickness we feel happy. So, when the children score low mark, we feel depressed and when they come back with high mark we start to feel great. So, all these ups and downs only makes the life meaningful.