I Need Help

S o this are my problems:

 

My problems are the ones about 'getting along with your parents' even though I'm so young. I don't get along with my parents. I hate them sometimes. My mother works 2 jobs and always says I don't appreciate her. My father is..well I don't consider him my father. He always threats to hit me or my sister if we don't do something. The last time he actually hit me, I told him that..the fact that he is not my father. I hate his stupidity.
On weekends, the only time the family gets togheter, they start acting like a family! It's like they forget the fact that a day ago they started shouting for no good reason. What am I doing wrong? My father used to tell me and my sister, when we were young, that if we **** off our mother he would hit us, and that would be the only reason. My mother had a really ruff childhood, her mother made her work a lot and didn't care about her. But my father's childhood was ok..he just lost his dad when he was 13.
They tell us things like: 'Why don't you want to go out with us? Why don't you tell us what you want to become?' Why would I do that? They don't deserve it.
Meanwhile, me and my sister are so good at what we are doing.
My sister is really smart, she will go on bio-medical. And I'm so good at art and music. Both of us are in english bilingual high schools so there's no question whether we will be studying or not outside of Romania. We know English, Spanish, German, French, Italian, Latin. We're not stupid.
But I do have this other problem. Ever since I started high school I haven't been able to..well, study actually. I can't get my head in books, just in art or my music. I procrastinate a lot and I'm always late for school, every day.
I use to study. It's not like in the United States, we study stuff they teach in universities in other countries.
I'm a mess..I used to go to pubs close to school. But I also did that to 'study' for subjects for my paintings. And I don't even know how could I am. My friends and other people say I'm good in art and music but I want more. I need to be known.
My parents don't know a thing about this, or about my plans related to art, they don't deserve to know even if they want to. Just by mentioning them here so many times, makes me feel disgusted. They are not important to me, but they continue to disrupt me, my healthy state of mind, my karma..they destroy those everytime I come back home after school. But I'm not so healthy...I have had obsessive-compulsive behavior, a bit of schizophrenia, paranoia, suicidal attempts during my childhood. The funny things is that, my parents don't even know it. I'm also introverted and extroverted. It's annoying.
I have never had a boyfriend before, though I'm cute and a lot of people told me that. But not friends. People that I barley know or don't know at all compliment me. When I was young I was so shy and boys used to pick on me a lot. I've only had a very good friend for 8 years. I've only felt in love with a person, in the 8th grade, but he liked my friend and later made fun of me.
In high school everything changed, I slowly became extroverted, and now I know so many people. I started going places, taking guitar lessons, experimenting for my art. But this guy from another class, started talking to me and saying things like: 'Hey, you look just like the religion teacher!' And then He started telling people that; He use to stop people on stairs and point towards me and say those words. The thing is that I did look like that teacher and I use to dress sorta akward. One day he started talking to me, he was really happy. And I told him that if he ever says anything about me looking like the religion teacher, I will never talk to him ever again. He got upset and several times after that, he wanted to reconcile with me. Once because a friend of mine told him I said hello and another time because my friend told him on messenger that she has a mission regarding me. He didn't want to hear that, he said that I should speak to him. But I can't. It's true, I really want to get along with me. I like him a lot. And it's possible that he liked me too and I skrew everything up. But I just can't. He's soooo nice and loving to all people. And I can't face him because I'm afraid he won't like me and I'll fall in love with him. What really annoys me is the way he decided to talk to me, by macking a mockery of what I look like. I know he meant it as a joke but my history is horrible during this kind of situations. He is a great guy but I don't know if he likes me anymore. He wants said to that friend of mine, after he took my jacket to put this cute little rescued dog that I had decided to take home, that he thinks I hate him. And I know my character shows that. I just wish I could stop being afraid of the way he sees me and show him that I like him so much. It may be too late.
So my problems are:
-parents(hate them)
-school(not being able to focus)
-art and music(want more)
-love(have no self-confidence)

If I look back at what I wrote..those things are my life, and well I suck big time. I'm sorry if I wasted your time.

suntpraf10 suntpraf10
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 15, 2009

Forgive your parents. Kids don't come with a rule book. Forgiving them does not mean you have to spend time with them either. It's best to always distance yourself from anyone or anything that makes you feel bad. That does not mean "out of sight,out of mind." But why should we subject ourselves to negative situations or negative people? <br />
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I hated my mother with a vengeance most of my life. I didn't really get to know her until I was thirty five. And guess what? We because best friends. Now that I was a woman and going through life, struggling with the same obstacles she faced as an adult....I opened my mind and a wonderful thing happened. We became best friends and could communicate on an adult level. We learned to respect each other's space and ideals, even though we were vastly different. This may or may not happen to you, but time will tell and keep an open mind. <br />
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As for your father, "hitting" is NEVER OK. Some day you should tell him that. It probably won't make any difference, but at least you got it off your chest and put it on his. It is totally his problem...not yours. <br />
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Like you, I fear rejection so much that I won't even put myself out there for fear of being judged. I pray this does not happen to you. The longer you wait, the harder it is....eventually you could settle into that comfort zone no matter how negative and damaging it can be. Even though it's not emotionally healthy, this "illness" (and it is an illness) almost always escalates. In my case, it has escalated to agoraphobia. Again, I pray this does not happen to you. You sound so bright and talented...so much to offer. <br />
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If this boy you mention does not come around and see you the way you would like him to, then move on. When I was a teenager, I just said to myself, "Next, Next, Next," everytime I would break up with a boyfriend. I went thru boys as fast as you could drive thru the McDonald's window! Most of the time it was my own fault. I would never able to let boys too close to me for fear they would see me for whom I "THOUGHT" I was. Obviously my thinking was distorted. In retrospect, I must have been wrong..otherwise why did I have so many boys always calling me for dates? I must have had some positive features! But I drove them away as I drive people away to this day. I just could not let myself believe I was worthy.<br />
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Now, I'm 59 years old, divorced three times, jobless, friendless, broke, agoraphobic, and pretty <br />
much useless. I have the tools to change all this to something positive...but I'm stuck in my safe place..that unhealthy comfort zone. <br />
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It's really not too late for either one of us. All we have to do is take a chance! What's the worst thing that could happen?? If we fail or get rejected....just say "NEXT!."<br />
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Dig deep down girl! I mean dig hard!! Find find that inner strength that I (and you) know is there just waiting to jump out. Behavior modification technique theories and the power of positive thinking are as old as Freud. But guess what? It really does work. If you can't find a therapist who specializes in this..then get some good books on the subject and practice, practice, practice, practice! It may be a lifetime journey, but you will be better off for trying. <br />
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This probably does not help you at all but it made me feel good just writing it down.