I Dug A Nasty Hole+they Won't Let Me Get On With My Journey

The Doctor feel good wrote a perscription+I thought I had a ticket to absolute freedom+serenity!Comfortably numb and a free score to aid my Habit,(Narcotic type) Lou Reed said it all,in his song Heroin.When I lived in Sydney I was 19+I thought I was so smooth.in with top dealers,nothing cut,all the very best!Lotza money,the beautiful people,I had it all except that real inner peace,you know,proud to look in the mirror,not scared to look out the window.My friends were older than me and I so looked up to them.The pager would bleep and it was all on,we all got high+I use to listen and try to learn,I really believed they had all the answers to Life and so let them rule me,did drug runs,in hindsight my Angel was looking out for me.All 9 lives used up now but in loosing each life I have learn't,the hard way but thats me!!!No more.Most of those beautiful people are ither dead or on their way.I only know of one who like me finally realised that this lifestyle I had indulged in was a facade,I was so numbed to the reality of life.I went to rehab,was'nt trendy back in the 80's to admit defeat and ask for help+the very people I thought loved me,refused to watch me heal.Offered free gear,just going for a walk was like walking in a mind field of Lepers!!!+ I did'nt see the destruction+misery until the fog lifted and I saw the reality.No longer was my life spiraling out of control,I had a tiny amount of order in my mind.Time to leave the saftey of Rehab+face the music+madness of addiction.Everyday I thought of my old friends and felt so lonley,but I had to remove myself to stay on track.I've lapsed occasionally,but my mind brings me back to Life with the good+the bad.Thats it,don't we all have good days and bad ones?I want/strive to be me,the true me+scream out loud with joy.I just want Peace+somedays I feel real good+others I think about that superficial high+truely know I have said goodbye.                        

leighmarie leighmarie
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 28, 2010

Thinking about that peace today. The real peace. I had a slice of it for awhile. Was nice ;-)<br />
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I am starting to feel some pain now and I don't want my mind to wander so I have to keeping thinking of other things...The fact I had a job to go to today, as much as I dislike it somedays, I spent a lovely evening with my family. Especially my 92 yr old grandmother. Who my mom said tonight, I got my wild side from :D.

Dar,you are such an inspiration,thanks for being you and yeah,like BF said,man,it brings you to your knee's,you know+we are not alone LM

Thanks BF,It means a lot to me to get good feedback,I love reading your stories too,this is what this place is about hey LM

darlene i like that line...."the false promise of peace brought me to my knees"..........bf.

lm, please write more...u tell such an honest and interesting narrative about drug addiction that is such a "pleasure" to read. And you are so right - life is both good and bad (it has to be), and the bad makes the good even gooder. Haha. I appreciate you lm....bf.

Good for you. I know exactly that kind of peace you are looking for. The false promise of peace brought me to my knees. I made it back and it warms my heart when I see someone else make it. Peace always~~dar