Forward

 can't remember how it started. I think that all that has happened to me has caused me to repress the memories. I was only a child. An innocent child. I don't know if you would consider it rape or molestation. I think that if it wasn't consented then it would be called molestation. I think that's why what happened bugs me so much to this day because I don't know what to call it.

I can't even remember how old I was. I'm guessing around six or seven when it all started. All I have are glimpses though. Glimpses of my sister touching me and glimpses of my brother touching me and glimpses of me touching my other brother. I know what you're thinking a family of ******... But honestly I don't think anyone ever knew what was going on. I do remember however that my little brother stumbled upon my brother and I and told my parents. But DENY, DENY, DENY was all I did. I wanted to tell them but I was terrified. Terrified and ashamed. I hated myself and I hated the fact that I couldn't understand what was happening. I didn't know how to tell my parents that there was something going on. I know that things with my older brother lasted the longest and went the farthest... I liked the way it felt I can remember...

Somewhere through all this things also started happening with an uncle and a few of my cousins... Looking back it's as if I wore a sign that said hey come touch me cause I won't say a thing... How stupid and naive I was. how stupid ...

I won't go into details about what happened... I guess I'll just admit why I am writing this. I want to make sense of it all and sitting here just writing the little that I did... I want to cry, cry until I can't anymore ... until i find an understanding.

I eventually did tell my mom about what was going on. I also eventually admitted to myself that I fell for my cousin. I met him when I was about eleven or twelve for the first time. And I don't know what it was about him but i did fall for him.. again how stupid of me...

Anyways ever since I told my mom about what happened I felt like a huge weight was lifted. Like i no longer had to deal with it by myself. And everything did stop.. If im correct it all stopped right before high school. I didnt want anything to continue... well except for the one i fell for.. but thats another story... But yeah i told my mom and since then ive been trying to make sense of everything but i just cant. i wont know why unless i approach each and every person that took advantage of me and ask them why. Over the past few weeks its been the worst cause I sit there and think and I just get disgusted with myself. I thinkj about what I could have done to deserve all of it. I think of what I couldve done to stop all of it sooner. I think of how I wish I never hurt my little brother and anyone else by letting it happen.

And then I think of the present and the future. I think of my nieces and how I want to protect them and would go off on anyone that ever tried to hurt the,. My biggest fear is that I would ever touch on a little kid mainly because of that saying that what happenes to you you're most likely to do to others. But thankfully i know i NEVER will. I don't know what pleasure people get from touching little kids. It disgusts me to the fullest.

Anyways though... I lost my train of thought. I think ive vented enough.

If you're going to comment please I don't need the OMG you're disgusting. or anything stupid. I'm just a person trying to make sense of everything that happened and move forward with my life. With not trying to blame myself for it all.
idontknownemore idontknownemore
18-21, F
Aug 11, 2010