[tw: Rape?] I Don't Even Know If It Was Rape

because I literally asked for it.
I was 8 and my older siblings found our dad's ****. We watched them. I figured out how to touch myself a little before that, and this didn't help. I couldn't get wet because my body wasn't there yet, so sometimes it hurt when it got too dry.
Some mornings I'd feel someone dipping their hands in my underwear. I pretended to keep on sleeping. Some days I wished he put his hand lower. It was my brother. He was 9.
He asked me if he could touch me.
I said no, then later said yes.
He did and it hurt. I wanted him to stop but i didn't say no.
My cousin of a few years older than me did it too when I slept in the car on the way to school. I pretended to sleep then, too.
The stopped when I was 10.
Now I'm 18 and a 15 year old boy has a crush on me. Our families are becoming good friends. I slept over at his house a week ago, and he stared at me in my sleep and touched my arm. Again, I pretended to sleep.
It brought back all these memories I tried to bury of my possible rape (does it even count when you're both kids?) and made my stomach turn.
I don't even know what I'm looking for here.
I just had to tell someone.
I can't tell anyone now because my brother and I are on good terms, though we've never spoken of what happened 9 years ago. Him and my cousin grew up to be nice guys and I don't even want to think of the shitstorm this'll stir up.
I just don't know.
lostintheinbetween lostintheinbetween
Dec 6, 2012