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First Time Loving Someone.

I am a girl and I am 16. 4 months ago I started going to a new school. I didn't really know anyone there and I live 18 miles away from my school. I've met wonderful people, that are interested in things that I am. In my class, there are 12 boys and 18 girls. And after 2 months I've realised that I was falling in love with my classmate. He was just so sweet and he told me that he likes me more than anyone else (I think he meant this as a person, not as a crush - i don't know). He was really great to me and we talked a lot and I loved spending time with him. We went to the bus station together with a group of our classmates and I couldn't wait for the school to end so that we could spend even more time together walking to the bus station and waiting for our (different) buses. I didn't tell him that I liked him, neither did he (except the thing I wrote about earlier). I loved every day that I could spend with him and I hated weekends, because I didn't see him and he really isn't a facebook chatter (but talking to him in real is amazing). He once hugged me, because I helped him with something and he was constanly touching me (in an innocent way - he held my hand, touched my arm, he stood right beside me...). Because of all that, I have fallen totally in love with him. Nobody knew. Even I could barely believe that I could fall in love with someone that easily and quickly. I am the person that builds high walls around my heart and I rarely let myself really like someone. Plus, we didn't really have anything more than a close friendship. As much as I loved our innocent talks and touches, I wanted to know what was really going on. The last day that I spoke to him was amazing. It was just before winter holiday. He gave me his number and he added himself in my Contacts. He didn't write his name - he only wrote <3. But his messages weren't sweet or anything. But that last day, as I said, was amazing. My schoolmate said: What's up between you two?, when he left to the bus station and I had to stay in school. I really thought that he liked me. Just a bit. But then, half of my class had a class about computers and he wasn't in the same group as me. My friends wanted to joke around. We were on facebook and we wrote him something about me loving him. It was written the way he could know that that was not me, but anyways. His answer was weird. It was ok. And later when I explained him that that wasn't me writing it, he wrote ok... (I was home then, so he knew i was alone). I talked to my friend and she told me that they were kidding with him If he likes me. He said no, but ok, I would say the same, If one of his friends asked me the same question. After the facebook thing, I tried to talk to him. He was in a bad mood. He was weird and rude. He went home in the middle of the school day, because he was ill. I asked his best friend if that was because of me, and he told me he wasn't feeling well. I even asked him If he is that way because of the facebook thing and he said that he isn't the person that would be weird about someone joking (He really is funny and he always makes me laugh). But no, then they were holiday for two weeks and we didn't talk at all. After the holidays, we were like we don't exist for eachother (He started it and I didn't wanted to be annoying or anything so I ignored him back). He didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday. When I asked him something, he was quiet. So, even though my heart was breaking, I decided to leave the things like that. But somehow, all of the girls in my class found out about me really liking him. So now, they are teasing me about it. And he is always in a bad mood. When we go to the bus station, we walk seperately, even though we are all going in the same direction (my friend walks beside me and their friends walk beside him). And when I didn't go to the bus station once, my other friend went to it and because we was in a bad mood, she asked him If he is nervous because I'm not around. She told me the next day what she said. And several days after that, I found out what he said then. I asked his other best friend. He said, that he said: Why would I want to be with her? I don't even like her. I felt devestated that something so sweet can end so quickly and so suddenly with no good reason. I used to be in a good mood every day. But not anymore. I'm feeling sadder and sadder everyday. He is the same. He used to be in a good mood every single day, but now he is just like me. I'm not saying and I don't think it's because of me, but still... Plus, I found out yesterday, that he knows that I like him. His best friend is teasing me about that, but I didn't even know that he knew. He tells my stuff like I'm gonna make sure that you two will be together If I can borrow a pencil from you. He says things like that in front of him. And when I was standing beside them, he asked him: Would you be with her If she would be taller (I am a petite girl). I really felt offended by that and he (crush) didn't answer to that question. But anytime his best friend is teasing me about him (Of he (crush) is near or not, I say that I have nothing to do with him and that I wouldn't be with him. I know that sounds a bit like he is afraid to tell he likes me, because I say that, but believe me, I think I showed him I like him and he started ignoring me. That kind of tells me he doesn't like me and I won't tell him I do, because I would feel humiliated. I alrealy do. I'm gonna ask his best friend If he (crush) knows that I like him and ask him If he can stop teasing me about that when my crush is around. I relly feel weird about everything. Life seems so empty without him and I feel like I distanced myself from my friends. When we were good (hanging around, chatting, smiling), our grades went down. Now they are back up. But I am willing to sacrifice them If I could be with him. Because I really love him and I try to forget about him, but I just can't. Now I'll try to make sure that the whole class stops teasing me about that so that we can at least be friends. I just don't know what to do anymore. Even If he likes me, he should stand for that and don't stop ignoring me and he shouldn't care what people say. It's just messed up. Everything is. It's first time I actually feel that way about someone. I don't know when does it stop? Does it ever stop? What should I do in the meantime? I don't really think that there is any chance that he likes me. I'll just try to show him and the whole class that he is not the one I care about. And that I want to be just friends with him. I must figure it out, how to be with him, how to react to him and everything so that he won't be like this to me. I'm just waiting now for his best friend to be online, so that I can ask him If he really thinks that I like him. Because If he knows, I can be sure he doesn't want to be with me. And I can start trying even harder to forget love that I feel for him.
An Ep User An EP User Jan 19, 2013

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