I Just Want To Be Pretty.I'm 20 years old, I'm studying, I used to be smart but after a time of depression I feel like I'm decaying. My boyfriend loves me and cares for me. He says that I'm the only one for him and that he loves me more than anything. That even wneh we didn't know each other, he loved me. That we're ment to be together. I love him too and I want to trust him when he's saying that I'm beautiful. The problem is, I'm not.
My height is abotut 5'5, I weigh now 132 lbs. I used to weigh 22 lbs less. But then I had eating disssorder. On the other hand, I felt really good and I didn't felt ill. More than that I felt healthy, although I barely have eaten.
Now I'm feeling like an ugly cow. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate my body and my face. I want to be skinny. Want to see my bones. Not only cellarbones and hipbones. I really want flat stomach and to wear size 0. I want to feel that my body is hard, that it has a shape.
I know that my ED was only an escape from unbeareble reality. When I didn't have control over my life I wanted to control my body. But I miss my image in the mirror. I miss my lean legs, my tiny thighes, my flat stomach, my thin wrists. I miss the times when clothes in XS size was too big. And looked almost pretty then.