My Journal - Page 2

22nd of August – 2012

Last night when I went to bed, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. It was too hot to sleep. After about an hour of watching some TV, I went to listen some music while laying in bed. I listened to many songs, some of which actually cheering me up. A few songs I listened to even gave me positive thoughts of Emily, and myself! I still couldn’t fall asleep. Although I believe I was gone for a few moments, before waking up again a few minutes later. After a while, I felt good. Or at least as good as it could get. I turned around in bed, facing the wall, relaxed every muscle  and started to take deep relaxing breaths. Eventually I did fall asleep. It wasn’t until at most three hours later at 7:15 in the morning my alarm went off. It was time to get up, because it would be the first official day of school. I was feeling… Good, yet somewhat unstable. I decided to give the day a go anyway, since I couldn’t do anything else.
When I arrived at school, my hair being a mess from riding my bike I simply walked in, and went to class. The day started off easy. No problems, I felt fine. Though after first lunch-break, things started going downhill once again. I began to feel depressed again, and bad thoughts started going through my mind. The sight and comments of the fools in my class didn’t exactly make the situation any better. When school was over, I felt relieved for a few minutes. That feeling didn’t last long.
Eventually I came home. Now going towards the evening, it beginning to get dark I’m starting to feel very lonely. The tiniest things require an incredible amount of energy. This is insane! I need to take a shower. My hair is a mess, and I feel dirty, but I can’t get myself to do so. I just don’t want to.  Somehow I’m beginning to feel comfort in sadness.
Last night, I sent Emily a message, telling how furious and depressed I am. All simply because of her lies. I was furious, a sudden anger came up in me. I probably shouldn’t have reacted like that. She didn’t want to hurt me, essentially. However, she still needs to know how much she did hurt me, even if it was unintentional. I fear that I can never love anyone again. I’ve been hurt by a loved one before, but not like this.
I’m either losing it very slowly, or recovering from all of this. A part of me tells myself to free myself from the thought and memories of her, because I think I’m as good as dead to her. But I can’t let her go, even after she lied to me. I feel terrible for saying the things I did, calling her a terrible and hurtful person.
This weekend, I will have to get things straight with Emily. I will either need to have a very, very long talk, or take all the distance from her I can, even if that hurts. It might be better for myself, as well as for her. I only make a fool out myself, being paranoid all the time. But in the end, it turns out the voice in my head was right all along. She was lying to me, she was with someone else, and she probably didn’t really love me.
In the end, I always end up feeling miserable later at nights, the more I think of Emily. I’ve had such great dreams, and thoughts of her. She gave me a reason to be happy.
I don’t even know what to write anymore. At the moment, I am only boiling with hate, fury and for some reason – guilt. I need all of this to be fixed.
MrSandvich MrSandvich
22-25, M
Sep 25, 2012