My Journal - Page 3

23th of August – 2012

Last night, I had a talk with Emily. I feel guilty for how much I hurt her, with my hurtful comments. I guess my feelings are best describable as guilty. I can’t type properly now.
We have to have a long talk tonight.

24th of August – 2012
Today (apart from some small distractions at school), was terrible. Emily was on my mind all day. When I woke up, I felt broken, the guilt from the other days was even greater, and was burning in my mind. I had the constant need to apologize to Emily. Right now I’m trying to go through all these hours as quickly as possible. I have to talk to her. Emily mentioned, that she has broken up with her boyfriend just for me. When she told me that, I was touched. Never has anyone done something that sweet for me. I honestly hope that in this case, she did in fact break up with him. And it not being another way of giving me false happiness. I don’t know what’s the truth, and what’s not. If Emily can ensure me that she has, I will love her forever. I would never leave her. I can’t believe I’ve hurt her that much. I feel as if I’m not supposed to be with her, I’m a horrible person. Seeing as how long she has stayed offline so far, the idea of her having committed suicide is driving me insane. If she did, then I have no meaning for life anymore. She is my life.
I truly hope our relationship can be restored. I still wish to visit her as soon as possible, or the other way around (visiting me instead). Either way would be perfectly fine to me.
During school, I kept thinking about her. Looking at my self-inflicted scars, reminding me of her. One of my classmates noticed them, and suddenly went out loud in class “Ah, you trying to commit suicide, but you can’t cut through your skin because you are too fat.”. I felt something burning inside of me, like I could strangle him with my bare hands. Knowing that he insulted not only me, but also my thoughts of Emily’s beautiful face, voice and personality even though nobody knew about her. I just laughed it off, or so I tried.
Right now, the thought of most likely talking to her tonight relaxes me. I know I ****** things up really badly, though when I think of her now… All I feel is guilt and sadness. Yet at the same time, a relaxing feeling and some sort of relief. A part of me knows, or hopes that it will be alright. I have forgiven Emily of lying to me, and hurting me at the moment she did, really. I just hope she forgives me. In my eyes, Emily seems like a girl who can take a beating, so to say. Though when hurt by a loved one, or relative… Misery.
If she forgives me, I will do anything to make, and keep her happy. She gives me a purpose in life, and a reason to be truly happy. Something I never was until I met her.
MrSandvich MrSandvich
22-25, M
Sep 25, 2012