I'Ve Changed...

Over the past few years, I have been battling depression. I was in denial for a very long time until I was finally able to admit it recently. But I haven't been able to fully admit it, especially to someone else. In fact, this is probably my deepest secret and I haven't told anyone. I'm too young to feel this way and it ****** me off because I feel like I missed a huge portion of my teen years. I think my parents and a few others have an idea about my depression but I try to ignore it. I feel really pathetic for feeling this way because I do have a pretty good life. I have family and friends who care for me, I have a roof over my head, and I can stuff my gob whenever I want. Haha not really but you get the point. I always seem to ask myself, "why do you feel the way you do?" I tried to trace my footsteps one day, to try and see what went wrong in my life and..I guess I couldn't find anything. There are so many things I want to share but that would just take forever and end up being an endless stream of flowing thoughts. I gained a little weight but people say I lost weight. I feel distant from my cousins and the rest of my extended family. I became anti-social and I shut myself out from the rest of the world. I became really timid and I always have anxiety attacks. I don't even have a Facebook account. I fantasize about having a boyfriend and stuff like that. I don't have my license yet and I'm jobless. Sometimes it's hard to look at my reflection in the mirror because I feel unconfident and worthless. I mean, I am pretty attractive and cute i guess and I have somewhat of a self esteem but I feel down all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough or intelligent enough. For the past couple of months, I tried to improve myself and think more positive. I've become a little more lively but I still feel depressed. When I think about those who are less fortunate and have gone through worse. I become really sad and start crying myself to sleep because I have it good and I act like I have the worst life ever. My grades started to drop and I feel like I failed myself and my family. I once tried to commit suicide because my thoughts became so horrific and bad that I just didn't want to be me. I think it was because I was afraid of life. I still am. I don't know..hopefully someone reads this. Sigh...I need advice.
simplyaly simplyaly
18-21, F
1 Response Oct 13, 2013

Hey. I've been there. Attempted suicide 7 times. It gets better. I promise.
It takes time, more time than any of us would care to admit, but when you come out the other side? It's incredible.

It'll happen eventually. I know it feels like it won't, but I promise you, it wil. :)
In the meantime... You might want to try seeing a therapist. It might take a few tries before you find one that's a good fit for you, but once you do, it can really help. Finding one you're comfortable with is super-important, though. A couple years ago, I tried working with my college's psychologist. Worst decision ever. He had serious personal issues, and ended up venting to me about his patients from his other job, in the state's prison system... I ended up even more traumatized than I already was, and my anorexia went into overdrive, as I tried (and failed) to cope. I failed a ton of classes, and I nearly died. At this point, I'm on academic probation, and I'm scared to go back to campus, for fear of crossing paths with the guy. So yeah, if you're getting bad vibes from a therapist, find someone else. Now, it might take a few sessions to know if you'll be comfortable working with a particular therapist. Don't expect it to feel "right" from the start. It's usually a little difficult to start, because here we are, revealing our thoughts to a stranger, you know?

Make sure you remember, this isn't your fault. It can happen to anyone. You are not a failure. You are not alone. It will get better.

One more thing. I'm proud of you for finding the courage to make this post. I know it's not easy. Heck, that stuff about the psychologist? Up until now, only my closest friends have known the full story, My parents knew what he did, but they don't know the full extent of the effects. They don't know how bad my eating disorder got. They also don't know that I attempted suicide.

Also, I know the feeling, with not being able to drive. I have to get in with a neurologist to be cleared to drive. In the meantime, I'm 22, I've never driven (before the seizures, it was chronic spontaneous shoulder dislocation), and I'm a self-employed photographer who's kinda stuck at home, so, I may as well be unemployed, haha! :P

Thank you so much for the advice and kind words and thank you for reading my post! :) I seriously thought no one would read it. Haha I'll just have to keep moving forward because like you said life will get better. Thank you once again!