It Used To Be Easy

When I started here, this was just a place to jot my thoughts down.  Occasionally I would write an erotic story, share a fantasy, or talk about music.  I talked to a few people, but not that many.  I was more interested in getting things out of my head, things that had been sedentary for too long.  And the sensation of finally releasing those thoughts was exquisite.  I got a rush from posting, and I found myself posting more.

The surprise was when I started connecting to other people through those stories.  At first it was witty banter.  But soon . . . it became obvious that I was making connections with people.  Not just casual connections either.  Suddenly, I'm sharing intimate thoughts and feelings, details and ideas.  And I am listening.

As a student of the human condition, listening to others drives me.  I love to hear what makes other people tick.  And here - it's addictive.  In addition to the stories that get posted, in addition to the confessions and the questions and the blogs, people open up to you. I only had to be on here for a little while to realize that almost of us on here are eager to find someone - someone to connect with, to validate us, to share with.  These people, these friends, opened up to me.  What started as something simple became so much more complicated.

With that, it became so much more difficult to keep the two personae separate.  Layne does not exist in real life, and yet I can feel him bleeding off the page into reality.  There are moments now where things I say in public are things that I read here, heard here, was told here.  Conversely, more of the real me has begin bleeding into Layne - into my stories, my comments, my thoughts . . .

So much of what occupies my mind now originates here that it has become very difficult for me keep this secret.  I am going through a metamorphosis.  What will happen when I emerge from my cocoon?
laynemeyer laynemeyer
36-40, M
14 Responses Jan 23, 2012

Never emerge :)

oooo i was thinking just the same thing this morning..... i was reading an email from someone delightful, and much braver than i, who shares everything with her bloke. I have told a couple of friends and they took the **** out of me.... but i really feel so much for the people i've come to know here. They arent imaginary friends are they :(

It is sometimes interesting to think about the lives of those who I follow. What are they like? Would we get along? Who are they...?

My metamorphosis is complete. I know how to keep things separate. It's not nearly as difficult as it used to be.

Although... I have a few cheats.....

Share the cheat codes?

it's not so much codes... but... ways to straddle the virtual and real life boundary without blowing it away...

I wish to learn your secrets. This grasshopper is ready.

I think it's different for different people. It's about establishing honest boundaries. It's also about setting real expectations up front. Without those, it's too easy for an online experience to obscure things

Yes, that is very true. It is do hard for us to establish and respect honest boundaries...

Life is hard.

It certainly has its moments.

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I too, love to hear what makes other people tick..and the validation i get from my friends here, makes me feel so much better about myself.
I can feel myself, no longer holding back in conversations about issues that i once thought were likely to expose how i really felt...i say exactly what i feel the need to say , and i am not ashamed of who i am , or what i want !
This is perfect Lay..well done .

Thank you. Very much.

Me too. What's funny is there have been times Ive almost talked about a friend here or something I heard here to family or friends. LOL I totally forget no one knows about EP in my life!

I've had those moment myself...

I came here for advice and stayed because it's fun to flirt, enlightening to read the opinions of so many people on one subject. It's like a huge brainstorming!

as long as we are laughing - then its a happy place..... *runs off to tease smurfslut

smurfslut! What a strange nick! Aren't smurfs asexual? lol

Then what is the point of smurfette?

I know EXACTLY what you mean! I also hide EP from my spouse.... and there are times I'll start to tell him a story or have a conversation about something, he'll ask where I heard that... or who did that, etc.... and I realize, oh ****, it was on EP... and have to make up something.

It becomes more and more challenging to maintain the "secret" since so much mof my personal growth has come from this site. How do you explain your changing attitudes and beliefs if the very place that the changes come from is not public knowledge? How do you gorw - as both an individual and as a couple?

I have so much to say in reply to this. <br />
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For several years I was part of a strict religious group whose goal, it seemed, was to get rid of the "bad" parts of me and train me to be someone else that was unique but similar to them. They liked to say that the body has many parts, but I think they insisted that they all be type O- blood type, metaphorically speaking. So from the start to the finish I lost a lot of what would be the adult Allergic. When I found EP it was right before I left there. One of the first things that EP helped me grow back was my sense of humor. With the help of Ediez and the crew I figured out how to be funny again. Being funny was frowned upon in my church. This site gave me the drive to live, which I had lost completely. It helped me connect to so many people that had similar experience. It also hooked me up with so many other pervs. I had been struggling because God had clearly made me a pervert and I didn't know why. But on EP, being a pervert is ok. I struggled because I always wanted to talk about it, but here you can, because it is anonymous and safe.<br />
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When my EP persona started bleeding into my real life, it was both a good thing and a bad thing. I became funny in person. I left the church. I became brave again. I started playing music again. I use my EP persona on stage. EP helped me with my stage fright problem believe it or not. I learned that sex is good and beautiful. I learned that you can apply suction to a *L** and found immense pleasure from that. <br />
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But I also found frustrations. WHY doesn't he want to apply suction to my *L**? Why doesn't he want to try pee? EP was messing with my mind. I no longer had normal boundaries. I wanted the freedom that is online, but in real life there are walls. And the walls are good. I have told my whole personal life story with sex scenes and everything to complete strangers multiple times since I joined EP- in person! This is bad because they can tell your husband. They can try to have sex with you. They can destroy your reputation. <br />
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But maybe that is a good thing. Yesterday, my mother found my small penis song video. Was she appalled? No. She filled with pride and posted it on her facebook page stating that "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I found this incredibly awkward yet freeing. <br />
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The transition is happening. Some people love me for it and some people hate me for it. I have had many people stop talking to me all together because of who I am now. I also have chosen not to associate with people who don't want to be around someone like me. There have been a few major losses though. There are some people I would like to have in my life that have turned from me or that it is no longer appropriate for me to be friends with. I have to remind myself that this change was essential to my life. It's like pruning a tree. Some branches die, but the plant grows stronger and more beautiful. It's like fighting for freedom. People die so that they can live.<br />
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The pendulum also swings back. I realized I don't actually mind if we skip foreplay altogether. I don't actually want to try pee. I enjoy monogamy and haven't found any joy in cheating. But I am still way more free than I was when I first joined this website. It has been a counselor and a friend in this difficult time. One day I may be able to move on. But for now, I say let's go into confessions and have a comment ****. <br />
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Wow. I think I should make a story out of this comment.

Wow. I don't think you know how much I enjoy that a post I wrote can elicit such a response from you. I'll withhold specific comments about this reply for your story.

well said. i understand what you are saying. for me the ep me is the whole me, the "real" me of daily living in society is only part of the whole (or ep) me. but as i get more comfortable with the whole me, more and more of gets exposed in real life. may someday there be no difference between the two.

My question for me, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not sure I know . . .

Does anyone else wonder if the very people we hide eP from are here, and even perhaps our flamers or our friends ?

I do wonder if I acutally know anyone else on here, but I would be rather surprised to find out any of them are my RL friends. Of course, they would probably say the same about me, no?

"I am part of an anonymous online writing group." Feel free to use this if it helps in any way. =)<br />
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Has a certain truthiness to it ... an the 'anonymous' implies privacy. If I need splain that to someone I don' know in an Ep fashion, I'm not likely to introduce them to the Ep world anyhow ... at least not to my Ep world.<br />
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I think the validation an sharing you mention are what makes this place tick(click?) ... they were the original intention of Ep in my opinion ... items not easily found in everyday life.<br />
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Good luck with the morph ... nice post.

Thanks for the kind words - and the helpful suggestions.

with regard to the bleed... i think there's bound to be a certain amount of mission creep if you set up shop with the intention of letting out parts of you that don't get to go out to play. It's no less sincere or honest, it's just not everyone's business. I don't think of myself as a fake because I don't gush, giggle, and girltalk with my colleagues or because I save terms of endearment for people I care about closely. It's just a matter of boundaries.<br />
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On the other hand, I also keep eP a secret, and I dread those moments when I quote someone here to a relative or friend and immediately have to follow it with , "...erm... I don't know where I heard that ! "

I find myself mentall replying to thing in RL with quotes and examples I've read on here a lot lately. And that is find in most cases. But, there are times, when it isn't. And, in those cases, I need to be extra careful about what I say . . . that is hard.

That happened to me so much that now my boyfriend knows that I'm a member of a site for writers =)

omg that's exactly the convenient fiction i gave my sister. I had finally asked her one too many times to help me remember some situation that was currently my source of inspiration... and she would walk behind me and oh! remember when my avatar was a pic of my eye ? Yeah, no one in my family doesn't recognise my eye. That was awkward.

*puts hand slathered with superglue into Layne's hand ...grins*<br />
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I'm so excited about this metamorphosis of yours, & I'm excited about our conversations & what we are experiencing together & learning from each other <3<3

I am excited as well. Thank you for taking the journey with me.

It's ALL good, cause I think as you meet and connect with more folks you expand as a person!! I am in here... just like I am in my offline world. I just get wayyyy naughtier in here. Like I NEVER tack up naughty stories on the bulletin board here at work!! :D <br />
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But a lot of what I learn in here makes it into my offline world, especially with hubs cause he's in here too. What I do offline ends up in here... Sometimes the really "naughty" stuff and sometimes just what I'm making for dinner but the two cross over each other all the time...It's makes buddies in here a real part of your world and a really important past too.... :) <br />
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*STANDING OVATION* for your metamorphosis!!

Thye are crossing more. I'm excited to pull things I learn from EP me and apply them to RL me. But I also worry that they are making a me that will be unrecognizable to the circle of people I have around me in RL. They are in no way prepared for the Layne that exists on here. In no way whatsoever. I don't think I can express just how different they are.

Sometimes it's good to totally change and show a new YOU to both your worlds, on line and off.....Keeps folks on their toes and excited to see what's next!! I find if anything I can be a lot more totally OPEN in here and as far as being all naughty at work that just can't happen so in some ways you have to have restraint in RL you don't need in here but I think you have that covered....

believe it or not, I do have restraint in here, but I'm getting better at that. I'm learning to write more for me and less for my audience.

That's PERFECT!! Everything you write should satisfy something in you First!! The folks who respond to that part of YOU make the best friends!! When folks just write for an audience they sometimes leave themselves out of the picture and it's harder for folks to know who they really are.

That was biggest goal coming here, being the me that exists inside, no outter shell, no "face in the jar by the door." It has been both exhilarating and terrifiying. But I am definitely a better person for it.

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