I Feel Like Such A Failure

I..... just can't seem to do anything right.

I think back to my first job. I was so excited to get it. I was in early high school and it was just a crappy assistant cook job at a summer camp, but my god... It paid really well and I was finally getting my first job experience.

It lasted less than a week. The actual cook, probably a college aged guy, and his counselor friends basically ran the place. They had no supervision and they desperately needed it. All tasks were laid on me.... I had no idea how to cook for dozens of young children (on time) with no help. I struggled for a few days and I remember the manager or whatever of the camp came in to talk to me. Said that he might have to "cut his losses". I was stunned. The head cook wasn't doing anything but shooting the sh1t with his friends and drinking illegally. I was really hurt but I came back the next day. The night before, they took all the kids into the kitchen area and made a HUGE mess. Dried ice cream, what seemed like hundreds of dirty bowls, syrup all over the damn place. It looked like a bomb went off. And I know they did it on purpose. Upon seeing the mess, I just turned around and walked out.

It wasn't long before I got my next job. I became a dishwasher at a newly opened restaurant in town. It was a bit awkward at first, as I'm just not a people person at all. It takes time for me to open up and be myself. But eventually, I became comfortable and befriended nearly everyone there. It was an ideal situation. During my reviews, my boss told me how much everyone loved me. I NEVER thought I'd hear that, considering my social awkwardness.
Well, about a year into the job, I managed to screw it up. My mother had passed away recently and I had a "fukc it" mindset. One of my coworkers had vodka in his car and offered to sneak some in for me. Another friend in the kitchen was bringing me beers from the tap. It was fun... except I was inexperienced in drinking and got too drunk to even stand. A friend came and got me, I felt terrible about it, but... it was just a little mistake right? Nope. The friend who was getting me beer was under the microscope and there was talk of her being fired, along with myself of course. Difference was, this person had kids to take care of. I did the right thing and told them that it was just me and that no one else had anything to do with it. My boss, who I got along with so well, was furious. I was fired of course. And I felt genuinely bad about it.

The next two jobs I held I didn't get fired from. But they were only janitorial jobs so... it's not saying much.

I left my second janitorial job to work at a liquor store. That sounded like a ton of fun to me. The store was relatively small, had great hours, and I only had to work saturdays every once in a while. Things started off badly. The main cashier (being a local "ma and pa" shop, there were few employees), was frustrated when I couldn't learn every different type of alcohol brand and its location on the first day. Not long after, the awful accounting b1tch blamed me for a shoplifting incident. There were cashiers up front and they had me doing a chore in the back. But of course, it was my fault. I was bitter about these things, but I still worked hard. I was getting along fine with my coworkers. Still a bit in my beginning awkward stage, but I could tell things were going to start working out.
I still remember working there one saturday, trying to take orders for bars on the phone, something which they had neglected to teach me to do. Even though its a very important part of the job. I had to ask the owner's, quite frankly, C U Next Tuesday of a daughter about 3 questions. Each time, she looked so annoyed. Sorry sweetheart that I don't just magically know how to do the job! That monday, I came in to work and the owner handed me my last check, saying this wasn't my thing. I was beyond pissed.

I was out of work for 10 months after that. I finally found a job working as a cashier and it was great. I stayed at that job for a year, no problems. It only ended when I graduated college and moved out of town.

I didn't want to live at home after college, so I did my best to look for work in another town, one where I knew a few friends. Within a month, I found a grunt work position with a big name company. I didn't mind... figured I'd be able to move up in time. Boy was I wrong. The job was hell from the start... I made a simple mistake in my first week and it was so blown out of proportion. After that, the morning managers seemed to despise me. The other new people I was hired with were moving up, getting more hours, working in other departments. But there I was, stuck. Like a failure. At my 30 day review, I was basically told that I sucked and needed to majorly improve or face termination. I didn't understand. I always got my work done on time. Whenever I asked someone else if they needed help, they didn't, so I would take care of things like garbage and sweeping, as I should have. But it was always a different story. One manager said my personality sucked (like that even mattered? I wasn't dealing with customers). Another said I needed to watch my quality (of stocking products on a shelf? really? how does one mess that up exactly?). Another said my speed wasn't good enough, which is odd because I always got my work done on time. I had another review, 45 days according to the sheet, and they fired me. I have to admit, I was almost glad about that one. At least I didn't have to get up at 4 AM anymore.

I've been out of work for about 2 months now. My bank account is dwindling down. Unemployment insurance is still "pending". I can tell my friends here despise me for not having to go to work all day 5 days a week, even though I'm wishing that's what I was doing. However... I'm almost scared to get a job anywhere. My experiences have made me feel that I'm not good enough for anything, even menial jobs. It's depressing but at the same time, I need money.

In conclusion... jobs suck. And I hope I can work for myself someday, doing something that makes me happy.
effyew effyew
3 Responses Jun 26, 2013

Sounds like very low grade jobs you were dealing there with. You are socially awkward, so what the f what. A lot of people are. Never stop looking for a better job and a good work environment ;)

Work is for suckers. I had plenty of those work experiences. It's better to own your own business. I wish I could own my own.

It's all a game of luck