Just Not Good Enough

I am the eldest sister of four siblings. I have always been protective and my personality is such that I would suffer or do practically anything to keep my sisters safe, if needed. I have always been that way. I also like to be close to my family members. Well, "like" isn't the right word. I NEED to be close to them. If they don't want to be close to me, I feel miserable. I am miserable a lot.

Years ago, as we were growing up at home, the two middle sisters would go around in a click of their very own. I was not allowed in. I remember the first time I asked about it and was pushed away and treated as though I wasn't right in the head. However, when it came to other things they would include me. In hindsight, these inclusions were to their advantage in some way at the time. We are all adults now and I think that when they look back they do realize they were being petty and stupid, but sometimes I do wonder because they keep repeating this type of behavior. It just takes on more complex forms because we are all older.

Once we were living on a little farm and we had been working a horse out in the round pen. What happened was horrific - the horse had a really freaky accident and broke his leg and had to be put down. This was very traumatic and sister #3 ended up standing by me as we were looking on. I was heartbroken during this whole ordeal and I tried to hug her. She pushed me away with a look of disgust on her face. I still remember how that felt. How is it that a family member can not love you? I don't understand. I really don't. But this one experience repeated itself in other scenarios. I learned that I had to stay away from her.

Sister #2 has come around, so to speak, as we all get older. While she is quite busy and we don't get to see each other very often, she does seem like she wants a relationship.

Sister #3 had seemed like she wanted a relationship, but then stuff happens that makes me remember all the old stuff. She got married (privately, not including anyone in the family) and got pregnant. Just yesterday she delivered a baby girl. This is great cause for celebration - and our parents want to be involved and happy, and so do I. It would be pretty easy to let bygones be bygones. I think we all would be willing to. However, she didn't want us at the hospital in the first place, and as we sat in the waiting room we found out the baby had been born 2 hours ago and she had instructed the nurses not to tell any of the rest of the family. She wanted to make sure they had their private time - and to be clear, none of us intended to go anywhere near her room. It would have been nice to know that the baby had been born, and sister #3 and baby were both alive and ok. But no. We just weren't good enough for that. We had to wait for the natural order of things - sister #2 had to leave and she took the flowers to the nurses station and the nurse accidentally told her that the baby had been born quite a while ago.

And then there is sister #4. She decided she didn't want anything to do with the fam. She lives over a thousand miles away. I never see her and never get any calls. The only time I get anything from her is maybe a message on facebook or to look at her facebook status like everyone else does. I was 16 when she was born. She called me Momma for a while until she realized she really only had one mom and I was her big sister. But the age difference was enough that I did have a mother's-type of a love for her. I will admit that I really struggle with adjusting to the austere relationship she desires nowadays. I have nothing to do with her life. I don't know what she does, I don't know how she is doing. When I see pictures of her, I cry because I don't know the woman in the pictures. It really hurts. I find the pictures on facebook, like everyone else does. Is it wrong of me to want more?

During the pregnancy, in an effort to try and build a relationship with her, I had told sister #3 that I would help with babysitting. Here I go again, with trying to have some sort of reciprocation. The story of my life. I am old enough now that I just feel tired of it. I am almost 43 and I feel sapped. Who goes around in life begging for love? I kind of feel like maybe if I am "not good enough" to be told when her baby was born, maybe I am "not good enough" to be the free babysitter. It would really suck if she had to pay for daycare. But who wants to have a babysitter that is not good enough - what sense does that make? I know, I sound bitter, and I hate that.

I feel trapped. I wish I didn't love people sometimes. How come loving people has to hurt? There have been times if I could have stopped loving my sisters I would have in a second. But the truth is, I do love them no matter what they do to me or to my parents. and It hurts me to see my parents get hurt. It's senseless and I don't understand it.
fulltimehobbyist fulltimehobbyist
41-45, F
May 15, 2012