And The Holiday Season Is Upon Us!

I HATE this time of year. I have always believed in big family celibrations and children running around. Laughter and stories and catching up on what is going on in each others lives.

Now it is just my husband and I.

I am not allowed to celibrate the holidays with my parents or anyother family member. I am not invited and not welcome.

My family has always had a need to be angry or hate someone. I guess, as a child, I didnt recognize this. But as an adult, and the object of the hate, i reflect on the past and realize this is just an extension of the ***** sessions about nieghbors. We would sit around the dinner table with nothing better to discuss then to make fun of nirghbors. And, i regret to say, my parents condoned this behavior. When my parents went through a rough spot in their relationship, this hate was turned on my Father. Still to this day, the discussion will turn towards hatred with my father. They do this in HIS house with him in the next room. I guess they think its ok since he cant hear to well, anymore. Now, I have turned into the hated one. Only I think it started years ago, during my childhood.

I stopped attending Christmas at my parents, when I recognized what was happening. I wanted no part of this hate. When my son was old enough to make his own decision, regaurding his relationships with family members, I encouraged him to go and spend some Christmas time with his Grandparents. BIG mistake. He was so upset by the way that 2 of my sisters and their husbands were treating others. He arrived at my house and called one of his Aunts to ask her why she behaves this way. She laughed in his ear and told him he didnt know what he was talking about. that he was just a drunk. My son lost his temper and swore and yelled at her. He told her exactly what he thought of people who treat other people that way. Well to make a long story short. The next thing you know... there is a restraining order out for my son to stay away from his Aunt and she sends an E Mail to family members informing them that if they associate with ME that they are not to associate with her. Merry Christmas!!!

I come from a very large family, so this covers alot of people.

My Father tells ME that I need to fix this..I had nothing to do with starting it! Except for encouraging my son to get to know his family, and we all know how that turned out.

We dont do hate in my house. We dont do making fun of people in my house. These behaviors are not in our value system. For this to have outraged and bothered my son is understandable.

BUT, My 2 sisters can do no wrong!! If you dont believe me, just ask my parents. So there fore it must be all MY fault, even though I wasnt there.

My son IS a recovering Alcoholic. He is also mentally ill. I raised him as a single mother, with no outside support, except for the support network I built with my friends, other single mothers. He was diagnosed when he was 2 years of age. First attempted suicide was at 5 years of age. Suffering from PTSD he was not a child that would allow you to hug him. My family had been aware of his (dis) Abilities, his whole life.. I have always been his advocate and made sure he recieved the best of care and education, that I could. WE have done this together.I am proud of the progress he has made throughout his life. Of course he continues to struggle with anxiety and depresion.

The word is SUPPORT!! you see a family going through these struggles show support! But my family informed me...'We cant associate with you because your son needs help"!

So here we are again at the Holiday Season. My son is now in his 30's and is celibrating in his very first appartment with his wife and daughter. I applaud them for the opportunity. I remember that feeling.. and my husband and I will be alone. Uninvited and unwelcome in my families celibration. All because of what? 2 sisters? NO, It is due to a life time of dysfunction in my family where Hatred instead of love and nurturing was valued. So sad, so sad. They missed out on an opportunity to experience Love! No wonder they are full of hate.

NKDing NKDing
51-55, F
3 Responses Dec 4, 2012

thanks for the support and encouragement. family are the only people who can make you do things you do not want to do. i feel like its just putting on a show, see everything is ok even though im living paycheck to paycheck and you still want
me to buy for your 30 year old kid who hasnt worked in 5 years. does my sister ever ask how im managing, no of course not. so i'll put on the semi happy holiday face, go eat the food, and escape as soon as i can without seeming rude. and i know this is Not what the holidays are supposed to be about , but damnit i miss getting presents!

the holidays are supposed to be about having fun and laughing. now that my mom is gone its just my sister and i and we arent close. now christmas dinner feels like a chore and an obligation rather a fun time with family. we have no connection now that my mom is gone. i so want to stay home but then the guilt sets in and i know there would be hard feelings if i stay home. i cant buy anyone presents because i dont have extra money. i hate that. my sister told me to just get something for my nephew, he's 30 when does it end. if i could afford presents then it maybe wouldnt be so bad. guess no one cares that i have to pay all my bills on my own, which doesnt leave much if anything left for extras. if we could have just both said no presents period i would feel so much better about going. holidays suck.

When I had no money for gifts, or very little, I would go to the Salvation Army or Good Will store to find something. More recently I bake or make candy. Just some suggestions in case these fit into your budget. I know this feeling. When I still attended Family Christmas, I would make all of my gifts and my two sisters would make fun of what I gave, and that I gave everyone the same thing. Its the giving that counts and the thought behind it, not the actual gift.

Maybe you and your sister can sit down and disscuss making a new tradition for Christmas. She may feel as awkward as you. Never know until you ask. With a new tradition you wouldnt have the same memories haunting you. You could keep your Moms Christmas memories with you but celibrate in a way that makes you both feel comfortable. Maybe...

I was the only single parent out of 9 siblings, they never understood that I was raising my child on practically nothing. Back in the '80's I didnt make more than $5,000 per year. In 1987 I finally brook $10,000 for the year. That was cause to celibrate. These days most of my money goes to supporting my Grandaughter. So for Christmas, I bake. AND quite frankly am happy I dont feel obligated to buy for those who are undeserving. Dont feel obligated to do for the 30 year old Nephew. I'm sure he doesnt expect much. For older Nieces and Nephews we get small gift certificates or gas card or lottery tickets. There are ways to make somthing small look like more. Its the thought that counts.

Good luck with your Holidays. Sending Hugs

Aw, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know a little of what you're talking about - luckily my family still has both parents getting along, even if my mom and dad have their problems - okay, my whole family has serious problems, but we can get a few people together in the holiday season. However...
My elder half-sister, I have to conclude, is a sociopath, because she's lived her whole life being a self-serving *****, treating me and my sister like cute talking dolls and then dropping our 'relationships' when we got older and started to think.
On top of that, I recently talked to my mom and discovered that one of my older brothers that is semi-estranged from the family - he still visits, but he has radically different views and thinks we're all uncool or something - is HER fault, because when Mom and Dad rescued her after she'd left our home for her biological father (a child-exploiting druggie sociopath) and quickly screwed up her life, they'd let her come back into our house for a while. She repaid us by trying to 'convert' my two older brothers to her 'Anti-Family religion', or whatever the hell it is she's got going on. One told her to shut up, so she targeted to the other until she got to him. I always wondered where the fun, loving brother I knew went - and now I know. The next time I see that ***** she'd better start running.
Oh, and she managed to get a wonderful husband, a guy who would take me fishing and was a sweet, gentle man who loved his children. Then she screwed up their marriage, filed for divorce, and accused him of abusing their children - over Thanksgiving weekend. Niiiiice.
Plus, my uncles and aunts are completely screwed up in different ways, and my maternal grandparents are, I say not lightly, pretty disgusting. Luckily, they live far enough away we haven't seen them in a while...
Hugs and internet love, darling, and know that at least you're not alone. I'll be thinking of you this holiday season, and being glad for your son. I hope you and your husband can find a way to enjoy the holiday.

Thank You. I hope you are able to have a happy celibration. I know how hard it is with family conflicts. Hopefully one day soon, they will all come into their own and realize what they have infront of them. At my age, now, I don't want to waste my time sticking my neck out again. So I stay away from the Toxins of hate. Not easy and it still hurts, but its better than the stress and anxiety of worrying about people who truelly don't care about me.

When we were younger, I continued to work on these relationships and always put my best foot forward. I'm tired now and feel healthier when I am not around it. It helps to talk about this situation here, in this forum. Now I don't have to drive my husband nuts. LOL! When I talk about helps to get it off my chest, then I can continue with my life and know where and when I can discuss this with others who need the same outlet.

Give your family some time. They sound like they are still trying to find themselves. And while they are continue to get on line here and yell and scream it all out!!

Good luck with the holidays. We are all here if you need an ear! sending Hugs!

Well, the day is approaching, now, and I am trying to block it out. Mostly I am so busy working that I haven't the time to think too much. but I drive long distances for my jobs and there is too much time to think.

Listening to music wont help, because music always holds memories. So mostly I now have that "On the verge of crying" feeling constantly. I cant wait till its over for another year.