Will I Ever Find Happiness & Love?

A few years ago, when I was 13, I had my first boyfriend. Oh, I was so happy. We started dating the end of July. One problem - he lived across the country.. I was 13 & he was 16. I fell hard for him though; MY FIRST BOYFRIEND!!! I would wake up to sweet text messages that were pages long & cute little voicemails. He'd call me In the middle of the day & yell, "I LOVE YOU MORE." Then hang up before I could fight it. I thought he was the one. He made me believe it. & then after a while I asked for a break. Well, the break didn't last very long at all. Then, around December when he sent me a picture of himself, I saw there was a few other people he sent it too. I asked him about it & he said it was his friend & his friends mum. I was thinking, "Why the hell would your friend & his mum want these pictures of you..." So, I took matters into my own hands. I emailed the 2 email addresses. & then he "got his phone taken away" & could only email me. I found out there was 3 best friend who were dating MY boyfriend. They were also long distance relationships for him. My initial reaction was to ask him. I did & he finally confessed. I was so heartbroken.. But he apologized & was all sweet so stupid me took him back. Then, I find another girl who was cheating on me with. Another long distance. I ask him, he confirms. He also tells me that was another long distance. Brining the total up to 5. So, I kept being stupid & taking him back. Basically, I felt unloved but I loved him too much to leave. Then, I find out he's been cheating on me the whole time with some girl that he goes to school with. The summer we began dating, I started learning French so he decided to take it up as well so we could speak the language of Romance to each other.. He met the girl in French class. On my birthday he tells me that he's so in love with her & has his mum break up with me for him.
I was devastated...
I didn't communicate with him but sometimes we'd send a brief email to each other. I dated a few other people but they only lasted a few days, I didn't want to be with anyone else...
Then in May he asks me back out because the girl he cheated on me with broke up with him. I stupidly said yes & then found out he was cheating on me again. 7 people. So, I finally was just like let's be friends. I can't be with you anymore.
We were friends, but we barely talked. It was hard, but that summer I met a lot of new boys.
& this one just made me fall in love with him. He was so amazing. & then I found out he lived a few miles away from my cheating ex... But I couldn't help myself; I fall fast & hard.
Well, about a month later after spending every night talking on the phone for hours & texting all day, everyday, I receive a message on Myspace explaing how he was "drunk" at a party & ****** some girl..
Oh, the pain I felt..
I had this best friend, I told him about it; he was there for me. He made me smile & giggle. He asked me out & I said yes. We dated for a few months. & then all the sudden the boy that got "drunk" at the party called me one day & asked me out... I had been wanting to be with him for a while.. I stupidly said yes.. I told my best friend//boyfriend that I needed a break. My best friend & drunk party boy hated each other with a passion because when drunken fool found out I had a new boyfriend after what he did to me, he spiraled into a depression. According to him that is.
Well, finally I told my best friend that I was dating the party kid & I broke his heart... Party kid kept asking me to choose between him & best friend. I kept saying my best friend but then I really wanted party kid. In the end, I picked party kid... After about a month of dating party kid, he dumped me. It wasn't working out for him.
I was so depressed.
I met this other kid, he seemed like a charmer & could get any girl if he tried. I was really attracted to him & started falling for him. Then, party kid asked me back out. Well, I said yes..
After a bunch of on & off again short breaks, my ex boy best friend (that I dated before, mentioned above) IM'd me. He told me that he missed his best friend. I felt so horrible. We started talking again & one day when party kid broke up with me again, he asked me out. I said no..
I felt bad. Then, I got back with Party kid & my ex got so mad & hurt. He dated my best friend... I was really hurt by both of them, I never talkd to them again. Then, one day while I'm on my boyfriends old myspace account, I see he was telling hella girls the same things he was telling me in the beginning. Singing them the same songs, doing the same things.. He then tells me he really wasn't drunk at the party...
& that he cheated on me by sending explicit messages to other people in the beginnning of our relationship..
I love him so much, but I can't trust him.
He is bi-polar. He treats me like **** until he gets "aroused." & then he's the sweetest & best boyfriend ever.
He's talking about moving here soon & how he wants to be with me forever. But I'm tired of him treating me like I'm worthless :(
All my friends say I can do sooo much better, but I love this boy.
Our 10 month anniversary is in a few days.
I really don't know what to so anymore.
I try so hard to make him happy & never cheat nor leave me. But.. I don't trust him..at all...
pikax3 pikax3
18-21, F
Aug 7, 2011