Chrome Plated Heart
I wish I had a chrome plated heart...then it wouldn't hurt so bad when it gets banged into, dented, dropped, shot at, broken. I just found out that my girlfriend thinks I'm shallow enough to not be true to her because she won't have sex. She has a nerve condition from an injury that happened a couple years ago, before we actually came together, but were friends at the time. This condition makes her flare every time there is a sudden rise of emotion or sensation, or if she gets hurt by the slightest thing. If somebody makes her mad, she flares. If she gets upset, she flares. If she knocks her elbow against the light switch, she flares, things that most people without this condition would just shrug off. But these flares can take her down for the count with pain.
Because an ****** is an arousal of the senses, to have one means that...she flares. And she can't always put forth the necessary energy and movements that it might take to give me one. Because of this, she is feeling incredibly inadequate and has pretty much said that she doesn't even want to do it anymore because of the pain and inadequacy. Like her ego has been shot, by herself...because I've never complained. I get satisfied regardless of whether or not I climax.
To hear her say that she avoids going to bed with me at night, especially when I've been sweet and flirty all day, which I always am to her, just because she's afraid that it's going to lead to sex....kills me. I thought she knew me better than that. And she thinks that if I were to cheat on her, she would deserve it, because it's "turnabout fair play." Basically...she and I fell in love with each other while she was still married to someone else. Furthermore, she thinks that sex is always the bottom line, and that it may not bother me now...but someday it will, and it doesn't matter how much I love her, sex is going to become an issue. Ouch.
So now I feel like my world has been turned over on me, not because of the sex, but because she won't even just get intimate, because she thinks I'm going to cheat on her, because she thinks I'm shallow, because she doesn't understand how much I love her.
It's not the sex that hurts...it's the words that she said. It's...****, I don't know, I just know that my heart is breaking right now and it's just another break among breaks this recent week.
I'm still trying to deal with the "God vs. Gay" issue that's going on, in which, she feels...because of her stupid ex-husband...that she's not good enough to raise her kids because she's doing nothing but teaching them that immorality is okay for now and just deal with the consequences later. And that stupid pastor who aimed his entire sermon at her and I stating that it is wrong to take communion if you are sinning and your heart is not cleansed. That we were unwelcome at the church, which we didn't want to go to anyway....just did to hear her daughter sing....because we are gay. So now I'm waiting day to day wondering if she's going to decide that "they" are all right and she needs to save herself...knowing that I would never stand in the way of her and her salvation.
It's a roller coaster ride right now and my heart is being bumped around from side to side, all around, and it hurts. I took her into my life and heart knowing what could happen, knowing everything about her. I do everything I can to take care of her and alter MY life to make sure hers is comfortable, meanwhile, **** in my OWN life is going crazy. She doesn't help me deal with this personality disorder, just turns her cheek at it and doesn't even want to acknowledge it, just wants it fixed...so....I suppress it with her and bring it out here so I don't lose my mind. I leave my family and state to be with her. I leave my job and the city that I had finally grown comfortable in and started making friends in to move closer to her dad and ex-husband, thereby being closer to her son who lives with his dad. I help buy food that we feed everyone else with and have nothing left for the three of us, our household, our family, at the end of the month. I sit back and watch her do things that she KNOWS is going to hurt her physically and thusly, indirectly effect the rest of us, and not say a thing because when I do she feels like I'm being controlling. I never say, no, I don't want your son here tonight because I would like to have just ONE night with just you and I because that would be the end of life as I knew it if her son didn't come down for a couple hours every night just to be an *** to his sister. Nor do I say, no, we can't watch the 3 year old nephew because she always falls asleep and it's me or her daughter that winds up watching him.
Her ex husband has a house that's falling down around them and won't do **** to fix it, won't do **** with the daughter that might make her feel loved, has his nose in our financial business and tosses his arrogant opinions in as well, and worse, is teaching his son to be just like him. I deal with that a couple times a week and don't say anything. Her son comes down to the house when he knows we've been shopping with our limited means and makes sure he's here for dinner because he doesn't want what his dad bought. We go through so much food in this damn house and I swear I don't remember eating more than a turkey sandwich and some cheez-its!
Okay, now I'm rambling, venting, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm ******* alone down here and she just made me feel even more alone. Like a god damn roommate, a bed partner.