Being Rejected

Three years ago my ex wife left me for my best friend and told me she was embarrassed because I use a wheelchair. I can walk a little bit because I'm not paralysed, I'm just in a lot of pain which can make me feel very depressed at times but I'm not an aggressive person, I'm a strong minded person though. I decided to try a few dating sites and got a few people interested in me but I didn't write about my disability because I felt like it was a very personal thing. I have now lost count of how many women have just stopped writing to me when I tell them I use a wheelchair.  There have been so many who were keen until that point. It's like I'm damaged goods. It's not like I'm a bad lover or can't perform. I have often wondered how many people truely love each other in relationships because quite a few people would leave their partners if they became disabled. It's something people should consider when making vows whether they are religious vows or promises because it could happen to anyone. I know if I met someone that at least it would filter out the selfish women so it one sense it can be positive but it doesn't get easier having to deal with the hurt I feel from being rejected! One of the sad things is I know I have a lot of good qualities and love to give but what can you do. Before I was in a wheelchair I remember seeing a beautiful woman in one and oh boy did I fancy her and no way would it have bothered me.

Anandadas Anandadas
41-45, M
13 Responses Feb 17, 2010

I know the feeling man I'm18 and have the same issue and have had all through high school it's not easy feeling shunned and rejected but man You must see the best in those that care about you and just be yourself. I have mild Cp so I'm not really in the severely physically handy capped nor am I normal. There are times when the thought of just ending it may cross your, mine and ay other physically disabled person but we have to hope there are plenty of fish in the see man I know that as a fact. Until we all find the person or persons we can truly click with then I guess be proud of who you are :) express who you truly are and the opportunity will come around trust me. I have been rejected by girls my age as well but we've gotta keep trying man.

<p>My husband is a disabled person with chronic pain. We live in a lower income part of town and I have quite a list of people I have known in wheel chairs, who have m.s., who have epilepsy, who have one leg longer than the other, who are missing limbs altogether, etc. who are deaf, who have a glass eye, etc. etc. I wouldn't even consider showing that kind of rejection toward someone because of them being in a wheel chair, or of leaving my husband because of his disability. In fact, he was disabled way before we got married. We were friends for several years first. One day, he just asked me. We kinda skipped the dating part, but we had been such great friends for so long who had lived with each other off and on in the past and figured we could make it work. We have been married for more than five years now. When I am sick is the hardest because we have small children and he can only do half of what I normally do in a day which gets us behind on some things, but I admire his heart. I hope things look up for you.</p>

Um...seems like your ex wife really lost out. You seem like a really nice guy.

I guess you can never predict how people will react to disability. I was a fit athlete who had a stroke three years ago. My wife after initially being supportive, left me because she didn't want to be with a disabled person whose mood had changed. Oh well. I am still fighting on a daily basis to get better and have recently met someone who accepts me for all my limitations. Life must go on. I still have a lot of anger inside me but I try my best to do at least one thing positive each day.

It's a big shock when you realise how shallow your partner can be. Duty, promises and vows mean very little today.

That's wonderful. I had enough of dating sites too. I finally met a nice man at my school and we're quite happy together and have been for a while now... but by the time we met, I was ready to give it all up and join a nunnery. LOL It's not easy to make a whole relationship when there's a part of you that will always feel broken, whether it's a physical disability or emotional scarring, it makes it hard to get close to people. Every time a "break up" happens it just reinforces our brokenness and after a while it just hurts so much it feels like nothing will ever heal it. I've had to learn a lot about trusting myself in order to be able to trust others. It sounds like you are on that journey as well. I hope you continue! I love reading your stories. Keep it up!

On the dating sites I tried all types of approaches, but it's not fair if they contacted me and never read my profile. Anyway I don't bother with them at all any more, because it's just not me and I feel a lot happier. My ex wife made it obvious all the years I was in the chair how embarrassed she was and in the end I found out the reason she finaly left and it was cause she was having an afffair with my best! I laugh cause it is just the commonist thing to happen! I wasn't happy anyway and duty is very important to me and if you like I kept my vow and escaped my duty, I never realised how unhappy she made me until I left but I was hurting over my sons though. I was hurting over my sons but everywhere I went and saw people I knew they kept saying how much better I was looking and that wasn't just one or two people. I had to face it in the end and now at least I'm my old self again, I love joking around and talking to people when I take my dog out and people know me on first name terms now and I've only lived here since December. I've got a good life in one sense, living with the pain is part of my life now and I have to deal with it, I do well most of the time. Thankyou for the comment Larajane!

So, I thought I'd weigh in on this from a girl's perspective, despite it being a bit late in the discussion. If I had found you on a dating site back when I was using them, I wouldn't have had a second date with you either, but not for the reasons you think. It would have been because you lied by omission, not because you are in a wheelchair.<br />
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If you're upfront about it, you won't ever have that problem. They will filter themselves out. If they're that shallow, they don't deserve you... but if you aren't upfront... well, I would have taken that as either an outright lie by omission or as some deep seated insecurity that I could NEVER fix in you because you have to fix that in yourself. As you said, you aren't desperate... unfortunately whenever I joined a dating site, it was because I WAS feeling desperate and I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people, although not all. <br />
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I also wanted to address your reasons that your ex gave you for leaving... I don't know her, but most women I know wouldn't leave a man for that reason... but also most of them I know would say anything they could think of to hurt a man the way they felt they had been hurt when they have been hurt so badly that feel like they need to leave him... and your disability is quite obviously the easiest way to hurt your feelings, as it's so new and seems to make you feel unattractive (confidence is the most attractive quality a man can have). <br />
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If I were leaving a man because of his wheelchair use (which I wouldn't do...), I would NEVER tell him so, because that's just mean... but if I were leaving a man because he hurt me in a way that made me feel I had to leave him, and I didn't feel like it could be made right enough to stay... I would probably be so sad and angry and afraid of being alone that I would pick the one thing to say that I knew would hurt him the most to leave him with... I'm not saying it's right. I'm just trying to point out that it's more than likely not why she left. It's just that we're really good at hurting with our words when we are hurt... or at least if you're still dating girls like the one I commented on in your other post.<br />
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In any case, it's more than likely got very little to do with you and much more to do with her perceptions and past experiences and inability to communicate effectively with you. I know that if you keep working on your confidence and spiritual life as you seem to be doing, you'll not be alone for very long at all.

At the moment I'm feeling very satisfied with my life and I went on a date a few weeks ago and realised I'm not desperate at all for a relationship. It's a nice feeling not needing another person in my life to improve the quality because I feel lonely. Because I recently moved here it was very lonely at first but because I'm a sociable person I've made some friends who chat when I see them. Last year was a very bad year for me getting burgled and assualted and my best friend robbed me too but hey when the going gets tough the tough get going and I knew it was a matter of time before I felt better. I'm the sort of person who comes up smelling of roses when crap happens. I've given up on dating sites because I know I'm better off meeting people in person cause then they can see what a good laugh I am! But what do you do if the desire for a relationship is not such a big deal hey? It's quite liberating really.

Anan, a wheelchair is not a deal breaker for everybody. I have a high school friend who is a quadriplegic as a result of an accident his freshman year in college..from jumping on the bunk beds, of all things. He has a very beautiful, loving, career successful wife of about 20 years. Before meeting her, he, too, was in a very low point. No one, wheelchair bound or physically able, likes to feel rejected, but you have been dealt a unique challenge. Good luck and blessings in finding love in your life.

To be honest I'm not desperate, it's just knowing the wheelchair is a turn off is very sad for me. I just wonder how others must cope being rejected cause when one is actualy rejected it always hurts. My biggest battle is coping with pain and staying level headed. I'm pretty good at it too but I do have my very low points.

i wish u didnt feel that way im srry u do=( i dated a guy in a wheel chair and it was never a problem for me and actually he was my favorite boyfriend i have every had . im pretty confident that u are a good caring person and i know there is a great woman for u just waiting for u to come wheeling into her life. keep ur chin up

It's a shame really cause real love cannot be experienced when one is selfish, only a reflection of love can be felt by those selfish persons which makes me feel sorry for them because to me love is the greatest gift one can have. No wonder people cheat and lie in relationships!

Hey I can say that a lot of woman would be so happy to be with a man because he was a lovely person. I know too well that people can be so shallow. However not everyone is shallow, there are some genuine people that want a meaningful relationship. You are still a loveable person and its a shame their narrowmindedness got the better of them, their loss! Although I'm not in your position, I know what its like feeling intensely rejected. Don't give up though, sometimes they come along when you least expect it. (((Hugs)))