I am an idiot.

I find that more often than not, when I get drunk, the loneliness and emptiness I try to ignore and push below the surface on a daily basis bubbles up to overtake me.
The more I drink, the worse it gets, but the worse it gets, the more I try to drown my sorrows in my drinks. It's a horrible, vicious circle.

I know it doesn't work. I know better. I'm smarter than this, yet I continue to do it anyways.

I don't understand it.

This loneliness and emptiness leads me to being drawn to people, usually members of the opposite sex. And, like an idiot, I attempt to fill these feelings of loneliness and emptiness with the attention that they give to me.
As if them being physically attracted to me is going to make me feel wanted and in turn make me happy.
It doesn't. I know this. Yet, here I am, making the same stupid decisions and waking up feeling more worthless than before.

I have to admit that I have improved slightly. I had a very low period of time in my life where I did sleep with more people than I'd like to admit to, and I absolutely despised myself. Another vicious circle.

I haven't slept with anyone in a long time. However, I still will get drunk and end up making out with them, usually with some dry humping or fingering involved.

I feel like a worthless human being and a huge s*ut. Why do I keep doing this to myself? It's not who I am and this is completely self destructive behaviour that just counteracts all of the good self improvement that I've been working so hard towards.

Take last night for example.

There was a backyard gathering of my co-workers as our summer intern is leaving in a week to go back to school.

I was doing great. I was keeping my alcohol to a good level and maintaining a good head on my shoulders. Then the self destruction began. Why? Because I am apparently an idiot.

Practically everyone had someone. Being single is something that has really been bothering me these days. I do know that being single is the right choice for me at this current moment in my life as it is apparent that I need to develop a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence before any relationship will realistically work out. I need to figure out how to be happy with myself first. However, this is proving to be an extremely difficult difficult thing to achieve. Especially when I keep sabotaging myself.

It was getting late and the host's wife had to work early so it was the "you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." So, to the bar we went! I was offered a beverage, and being the idiot that I am, I accepted it. In addition to the bottle of wine and two glasses of champagne I'd consumed over our evening (so I was definitely not sober, but not completed loaded), I wound up slamming two beers before we made it to the bar, the peeler bar none the less. Mistake #1, not going home before I could make a bad decision; Mistake #2, not stopping my drink consumption so that I could get myself home safely by the end of the evening.
Once at the bar, I had a double rum and coke and a shot. That was Mistake #3 and that's where it really went to hell.

I now had my "I don't care, I'm having fun and enjoying my life" mindset on.

One of the co-workers out with us was my ex-boyfriend. It was also a terrible decision to go out with someone who I still had feelings for. He had just broken up with his girlfriend (the girl he started seeing after me), and somewhere in my drunken state of mind, I had some stupid illusion that maybe now it could be "the right time for us".
How much more pathetic and stupid could I be? He broke up with me in the most classic way; "It's not you, it's me. It's just not the right time."

Why would I even want to be with someone who dumped me in the first place?
Because I'm pathetic and have little to no self-worth. Why would he want to be with me?

I talked to my ex, but I can't remember what was said. I am mortified at the possibility that I may have spewed the fact that I still had feelings for him. He's obviously hung up on his recent ex, which of course he is! What was I thinking? I obviously wasn't. On what planet would I want someone to be interested in me when they are obviously still hung up on their ex. That is a rebound and not what I want to be. I should have more self respect than that.

When he continued to talk about his recent ex with one of our other co-workers, I started to really sink. I knew I was being an idiot and my mind had been running away in a completely unrealistic fashion, yet drunk brain just heightened all of the empty, lonely feelings plaguing me. I sunk into my depressive state and did my best to hold back tears. This is the point when I started paying more attention to summer intern.

When we got back to the host co-workers house they offered to get me home, but I didn't want to put them out by taking money to get there, so he made up beds for us to stay over. My ex disappeared elsewhere, probably passed out for the night and I continued to chat with the summer intern. I think I confessed the fact that I am bipolar and a total mess still.

And, being the sad, drunken mess I was at this point, when summer intern and I made our way to the sleeping places, I stupidly asked him to join me because I didn't want to sleep alone. I should know better.

Boys being boys, it never is just sleeping, and being the worthless person that I am, I attempt to use the attention to fill the giant, gaping hole in soul. We made out, cuddled, and there was some dry humping and fingering. No clothes were removed, but I feel like a w*ore. A worthless, stupid, s*ut.

I feel more empty, lonely, and worthless than before, and all I can worry about is what people will think of me if they found out.
LeBonBon LeBonBon
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2014

try to join some volunteer group so you will meet people and to make your time precious rather making yourself bitter and feeling foolish afterwards.