Why Does Depression Have to Ruin the Only Thing In Life Which Makes Me Happy?

My boyfriend is the love of my life..he provides for me, gives me so much affection and love. He is the most wonderful man on this planet.

 What i can't understand is why to i return his love with jealousy, paranoia,anger and mania when drunk?

 i've pratically lost him due to my violent outbursts, constantly picking a fight and just generally treating him like ****? I just hope that one day i can conquer my depression and hopefully succeed in my relationship....if i havnt completely lost him after a drunken scrap last night.

 It caused me to take an overdose...its the first time since i cut my wrist 4 months ago. i got treated unfairly in the hospital and now i am left ashamed and feeling inhuman. Not to mention my boyfriend refrains to speak to me  i just need a way to get him back.

princessH princessH
22-25, F
1 Response May 13, 2007

I know how you feel. I am the same. I left my husband of 30 years. Then i meet a nice guy who was very nice and we clicked instantly and are friends as well as lovers. I can't explain the chemistry! But...he would mention other exploits with other women in his life before me. We are 5o now, remember this. But. I had had enough of hearing about women from my ex. I suppose he was boasting of his manhood as he is a divorced father of 4 kids who live with their mother. But all the words keep coming back in my head and haunt me and i get so jealous and furious and feel hot and flushed if i feel threatened by something he may say or a woman he may look at too long for my liking. I then spurt out a sarcastic comment and all hell breaks loose. I have learned to control it as he has been so loving for so long and i trust him but i still have these ''panic'' attacks and he just goes nuts. He then goes on drinking binges which does not help the situation. Anyway. that is the situation i am in and we are split now and talking on the phone but not seeing each other to give each other breathing space. Thank God we don't live together! Sometimes i want to split and then when i am without him for a week or so i get all homesick for him as we are best friends and talk so good and share so much in interests. We have such fun when i am not getting jealous or he is drinking. So i am glad to know that there are others just as ''crazy'' as me. not really as it is very painful and i don't wish that on anyone but you know what i mean. I am working on it. I read things on the internet. I read books. I talk to myself. I talk to counselors. i even have a little girly mirror with a battery that when you push a button...a woman's voice says....you are soooo beautiful....etc. ..haha. it is pitiful but funny too. haha. take care.