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The Weight Of The World Is Becoming More Heavier Than Usual.

I am sure we all heard the term "the weight of the world is on your shoulders" I hear that all to well and I am living in it. I swear its one than its an other besides my little stresses in life and at times I feel like the many things have passed me. What really gets me the most besides family, kids, and relationships/ marriages is my father he and I really don't see eye to eye on much. To be honest it is interesting to see we can get along to a point when we are in the same room but I try not to over stay my welcome with my kids. There are days that he wants me to agree when thinks he is right but in actual reality he is wrong but doesn't see it all to well. I am pretty sure he wants to know if he has support when he needs it but if only he can see the difference in right from wrong and it would be even better if he can admit to his mistakes. Then when push comes to shove he tries to be authority on me like I am some little child that he can push around I mean for goodness sakes I am a grown woman with kids of my own and my own life to lead or what I make of it. Some days I just want to tell him off and don't want to look back but I stop and think if I do that who's being the adult in this situation? Really no one is my old man can be just as childish but I begin ti think back on my childhood and start to wonder when did my father become so a unlikeable person? There was a time I use to look up to father and think he could do no wrong or what he said was right that he could not be wrong. That he was this strong super hero that can come to the rescue when needed but truth be told all that died and changed at the tender age of 5 yrs old. I ended up witnessing a whole different side of him and it damaged me for life I mean my God at the age of five I think this would ruin a child if they witnessed something very traumatic. I have witnessed my father physically abusing my older brother for no reason. My brother did not do anything wrong on that day when my father went to his room and begun to beat him until he worked all the rage out. I did not know what do in that situation I felt so helpless and I just watched my brother begged and cried  for him to stop and with every hit he would ask what did I do wrong? I did not think my father could do something like that I thought he cared about us and loved us so much that he would hit or strike us in such a manner. That has always haunted me for along time the sad thing is my brother can not remember all the abuse our dad has done to us I can recall all the beatings and the cruelty that he bestowed upon us as kids and young teenagers. Now that I am a grown-up with my own life and kids I really did not want to talk to my father when I had my twins I just wanted to disown him but when I talked to my grandmother (may she rest in peace) she told me its not good to hate or hold grudges it was the past and its time to forgive one another. She was so wise and had a wonderful, forgiving heart I miss her so much but at least she lived a full life and she was truly loved by all of us and she was loved in her community as well. So I did try to forgive my dad and tried so hard to bury the hatchet and tried to make him apart of my life again and have him get to know his grand kids. So they could at least know what it is like to have a grandpa but that did not go so well for years I have tried and begged and cried for so long for him to come around. I even told his mother and my grandma I am trying so she talked to him to stop being so difficult and accept the fact that times have changed and I am all grown up now and I am willing to let by gones be by gones. So within time he slowly came around and its been ok for now but there are times he thinks he can over step some boundaries and he tries to boss me around but I try to bite my tongue and just let it be and say not to much and then I just look the other way and keep to myself. i just remember what my grandma has told me and I just stick to it and I do try to lightly avoid him when it is possible. Now my father is going threw a bad time and he has to move his house to an different area but still in the same town. Then he wanted me to moved somewhere in the middle of no where to become an watch dog life is just grand. What do u think in my position should do or say?






 

alonenothin2livefor alonenothin2livefor 26-30, F Oct 28, 2010

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