I'm Already Sorry I Wrote This.Fair warning to the few of you cherished fans and friends who actually look for some sort of coherence from me: this is a brain dump, and may not actually make any sense at all.
I want to learn how to trust again. I don't feel like I can be in any relationship with anyone that will make any sense until I do. This is not about trusting myself to survive or to be able to recover. I've already proven that to myself by surviving and by recovering. I am stronger than I knew, and I'm proud of that.
So why can't I move past this without ...help ? Why can't I hear someone tell me they care about me and receive it without squinting my eyes at them ? Why do I watch fathers with their pre-pubescent daughters and wonder if they'll still like each other in ten years ? How do I reconcile the idealistic vision I have of my future with my present reticence... and my past experience ? And how do I even know if I can trust my own memories ?
I want to type in the declarative, but nothing seems sure enough. All I have are more questions. Did my father ever actually love me ? Or did he just go through the motions because he was supposed to ? And if I couldn't tell it was a lie then, how do I know if I'm being lied to now ? Or maybe it goes the other way. Maybe he does love me now. Maybe this is the best he can do. In which case, it's the height of ingratitude and a total lack of compassion for me to expect more.
But then... can I expect more from anyone else ? Should I not be willing to accept love in whatever form it is offered? And if the answer to that is yes, then how the hell do I get my needs met ?
And please believe, it's not just Dad. I'm not even going to ask questions about Uncle Brian, may his soul rot in an affection-less hell. Or Cousin Devon, with his self-aggrandising helpfulness. Damned stool-pigeon. But I like Devon's daughter, so I don't wish ill on him. Yet. We'll see how little Miss Kimmy turns out. The succession of boyfriends ? They just... proved the negative.
Assertive this, clearly defined that... but the best I ever felt was full-bore down the barrel of inappropriate and boundary-less at 180 klicks. I like downhill skiing. It's clearer and faster and cleaner and I don't have to walk around wondering.
I think if I'm going to crash I'd rather do it fast.