I'm Already Sorry I Wrote This.

Fair warning to the few of you cherished fans and friends who actually look for some sort of coherence from me: this is a brain dump, and may not actually make any sense at all.

I want to learn how to trust again. I don't feel like I can be in any relationship with anyone that will make any sense until I do. This is not about trusting myself to survive or to be able to recover. I've already proven that to myself by surviving and by recovering. I am stronger than I knew, and I'm proud of that.

So why can't I move past this without ...help ? Why can't I hear someone tell me they care about me and receive it without squinting my eyes at them ? Why do I watch fathers with their pre-pubescent daughters and wonder if they'll still like each other in ten years ?  How do I reconcile the idealistic vision I have of my future with my present reticence... and my past experience ? And how do I even know if I can trust my own memories ?

I want to type in the declarative, but nothing seems sure enough. All I have are more questions. Did my father ever actually love me ? Or did he just go through the motions because he was supposed to ? And if I couldn't tell it was a lie then, how do I know if I'm being lied to now ? Or maybe it goes the other way. Maybe he does love me now. Maybe this is the best he can do. In which case, it's the height of ingratitude and a total lack of compassion for me to expect more.

But then... can I expect more from anyone else ? Should I not be willing to accept love in whatever form it is offered? And if the answer to that is yes, then how the hell do I get my needs met ?

And please believe, it's not just Dad.  I'm not even going to ask questions about Uncle Brian, may his soul rot in an affection-less hell.  Or Cousin Devon, with his self-aggrandising helpfulness.  Damned stool-pigeon.  But I like Devon's daughter, so I don't wish ill on him.  Yet.  We'll see how little Miss Kimmy turns out.  The succession of boyfriends ?  They just...  proved the negative.  

Assertive this, clearly defined that... but the best I ever felt was full-bore down the barrel of inappropriate and boundary-less at 180 klicks. I like downhill skiing. It's clearer and faster and cleaner and I don't have to walk around wondering.

I think if I'm going to crash I'd rather do it fast.
RascallyRabbit RascallyRabbit
31-35, F
9 Responses Mar 26, 2012

well i thought you did well with writing that, your just a normal human being going through the emotions that life can bring, always love yourself no matter what, love is unconditional! be strong and take care of yourself. You deserve nothing but the best, good luck and my best wishes to you.

thank you.

Love yourself unconditionally. Realize that despite times you may screw up, be skeptical, or whatever, you're a person, and you are deserving of your own love. Best wishes to you on this.

I've read a lot here that hurts - hurts because I know I've been so guilty. While on the road trip my daughter questioned me about how things had gotten to be like they were and I had no answer except I was weak and I really hurt some people.

it's good for both of us to remember the other side, hey, tommy ? it hurts, but we have to take comfort in the hurt. it means we still care.

True - but I wonder - do I care enough to really change.

I am SO haunted by subconscious behaviors! I swear, I am not sure how I am able to get anything done as my subconscious as well as my conscious is so (insert expletive) jam packed with thoughts of the past and what might befall me in the future as a result of the past, that I am not really sure how I am able to get anything done at all! <br />
Of course I manage, but I would like to shut down the dialogue that is constantly going on in there about what might have been...<br />
If I really want to torture myself I ask myself what I might have become had I had love and encouragement. That also coincides then with a mean hankering for mind altering drugs.

pardon me, but ... no 5h!t!!! yeah... me thinks and then me replies, like always.

unconditional love <br />
Mizz Q you always make me think. Yes, it took me a day and a half just to answer you in full sentences, or this comment would have had so many elipses you'd have wanted to start drawing squares and counting the points. <br />
<br />
Is it possible to expect unconditional love if you have no notion of the concept ? I was not raised with the idea. I didn't even learn it till later, and looking back i'm not sure understanding it was so helpful. What I was taught as a child was that people who really love you set limits on what they will accept because they care for you and about you, and that unconditional love is just a lazy apathy with a bright shiny bow. Not to say that I didn't want for an assurance. I spent a lot of my youth worrying desperately that I would lose my mother if I did the wrong thing, or any combination of wrong things too many times. And I don't think that she really has any clue how hard that was. But to expect it ! I don't know.<br />
<br />
generational mental illness<br />
It's quite amazing what you can learn when you start digging up bones in the family garden. There were whole swathes of the population who were taught to walk on and stfu, and i'm pretty sure that whatever possessed my grandparents to behave the strange ways they did had a lot to do with mental illnesses that went undiagnosed and therefore untreated (or self-treated, which is often worse). I acknowledge that those tendencies exist, but I have trouble allowing that they might excuse... i've lost the thread. I'm betting you can see it fluttering in the breeze, but i can't.<br />
<br />
praying<br />
i keep forgetting how to pray. i know how that sounds. but it's like the greater my sense of self-worth, the less i feel confident to approach my maker. now, i know there are going to be a bunch of people after me for bringing this up, so i'll PM you more on that subject, Q, but for the rest of you, yes. The Rabbit prays. When she can stand the pain.

I hate that relationships are so hard. I think it has something to do with expectation, especially when it comes to familial connections. One expects unconditional love from one's parents and children, but that is not the case always. <br />
But I have found that almost ALL problems are the result of lack of communication. But yet it is not as simple as that because often people cannot communicate that which they are unaware of; in other words, sometimes emotions are buried so deep and not uncovered and faced, so that there is no explanation for how those emotions play out with others. <br />
And then you have issues that get carried over generations. I know for example that my great grandmother suffered from depression.<br />
I have very high expectations of other people and I am more often than not disappointed; perhaps they are disappointed in me as well. I don't know, and that is my point--communication is the only way to solve these types of problems, but that is much easier said than done.<br />
In my case I had to learn to forgive on my own, quietly, and in my head, so that I could let go of my expectations of my parents, and move on with my life, creating new relationships to fill the void.<br />
The other night I was praying, and I found myself asking for comfort. And then I started crying, because I realized that what I wanted, what I have always wanted, was parents who cared about me. I wanted that kind of comfort, to feel that secure that someone loved me, would always love me. <br />
It is hard trying to make sense of all this stuff, and I know it is painful--really painful.<br />
Maybe you and I can help one another. I am not too good at doing it myself either.

you know the drill... forward to the end of the comments = )

oh, and that thing you said at the end ? Yes.

I want to say ~ want you to know ? ~ that I recognise how hard it is to be a parent. That I know that no one gives you all the answers. That I am filled with compassion toward a man who decided to be the sole breadwinner so that my mother could stay home with me ( and eventually, my sister ). <br />
<br />
I also believe to my toes that he did and does the best he can with what he had (has). I know the best and worst of him, I think. At least, I hope I do. I have seen him be strong, courageous, protective, weak, cowardly, apathetic. I have been the source and the receiver of all of them. <br />
<br />
He taught me to swim, to ride a bike, to put air in the tires and check the oil. All things my mother couldn't or wouldn't do. ( No judgements on her, please; the woman makes everything from scratch and does in fact know how to add water to cool the car when the radiator fries. ) He used to be the bright spot in my evening. I would hear him coming up the stairs, and, having been warned by my mother to be clean and presentable, I'd come flying down the hallway in my dress to be swooped up in his arms. I still remember the feeling of connecting with the solidness of his flesh at the end of the hall. <br />
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But he also stopped. And I don't know if it's harder to forgive him for stopping or to forgive him for showing me what that kind of affection felt like in the first place. I have felt bad for him when my mother pulled away. I have felt bad about him when he pulled his hand from mine like he'd accidentally grabbed a damp slug. I have felt badly toward him when he told my sister, repeatedly, that he loved her...<br />
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I don't want to change what can't be changed. I know that the past is the past, and I'm willing to go forward, but it seems like I can't; like if I try to just treat each new situation as the pristine present I will remain haunted by subconscious behaviours.<br />
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And I can't not be protected. I don't mind doing it myself, but I don't seem to be very good at it.

Never apologize for writing something like this. I think it is awesome. It is moving and very sad, ( I suffered parental rejection and it has had lifelong repercussions for me.) But to be able to write about your feelings like this. I am blown away.<br />
I think it is cathartic. I hope it is anyway, for you. <br />
I loved, "I want to learn how to trust again."<br />
Don't we all. It is hard, but it is possible. They say the key is forgiveness. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world to do and not everyone gets it right.<br />
I hope you can get to a peaceful place somehow. Keep writing. It helps. This I know.

ah.. Miss Q.

thank you. i'm drafting in the comment box because i hate what this little thing does to your sentences.

"It is what it is" is certainly true but even more true is "It was what it was," I'm not to sure about "Perception is reality."

you understand me so well, tommy.

I'd like to realluy understand you and .... you, too