I Dont Like To Put Myself Out There

it makes me feel vulnerable and thats not a very good feeling. plus i dont feel like i matter enough to be listened to, i like no one would care to listen or that i would be judged. i automatically think of protecting my feelings therefore i never open up. i was in art class and almost everyone was opening up about things that made them uncomfortable, their insecurities and stuff but i couldnt and no one really knows me. its sad but its like i cant handle being exposed so i never open up. i really want to but i cant do it. it takes such a long time before i can start and by the time that time comes people have moved on and what not. its a horrible place to be as i can say that no one knows even 70 percent of me. no one. and ive gotten used to living like this that i cant imagine someone knowing me really well which is the biggest problem. ive gotten comfortable living like this. it's stopped me from getting into relationships (been single for close to 2 yrs now) and having proper friendships. because of this i dont have emotional balance and i cant get my anger out or my excitement either. sometimes i want to yell at someone when they cross me but i cant because i cant get myself to raise my voice and get my anger out without struggling and also because im not a good talker and have low self esteem so i would probably run out of words to say which would look stupid. its almost like i dont have a right to get angry sometimes. yeah thats how bad it is with me. will i ever come out of this? i wonder how it would be if i did. also im annoyingly nice to people which i hate to death. my sister tells me im naturally nice but i dont think so. its because of this condition and my lack of confidence that makes me super nice. i just cant imagine me telling a fellow guy or anyone to **** off even when they deserve more than that. i just walk away like the wuss i am haha. wow. im embarrassed with myself and that just kills me. its just a self esteem issue really. i just dont feel worthy of love, attention and all those things most people take for granted. oh this is enough venting already.
suddenstorm suddenstorm
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

you just opened up, and spoke from your heart.

yeah its something i never do. it really feels good. wish i could do it with real people though.