They say that in our teenage years we become more sensitive towards what we are told, what is said about us and how we perceive what others think. We become aware that are actions may influence others and that each step we take has a consequence. I am an example of tragedy, depression, sadness. These words have very similar meanings, they portray a state of mind, soul, and heart. My story may not be like the others where there has been a child abused or the typical person that is a wall flower, but instead it narrates how I, who thought had great friends, a great family, a great life, is left with nothing. No friends, an awful family and how throughout time, becomes a wallflower.

For someone like me, small, sensitive, not talented, not gifted, it was easy to get sad about a lot of things. I had a lot of friends that I loved and that always helped through rough times. But not always did I feel loved. I would always be the third weal. The one that walks on the street because there was already two people on the sidewalk. The one who never got to hear the secrets even though I never told anyone anything. I was trustworthy but was never trusted. I could be manipulated very easily by the people close to me. I was never a leader, instead I was a follower. Never would I admit my feelings and my hope that one day I would be important, that one day I could also lead, be told secrets, be respected, but most of all, be loved. After many months of the same tragedy where by best friend ended up with someone else and I becoming the third weal I snapped. I got mad and there was a fight and I did not end up well. I was not hit, I was not abused, I had lost my pride, my happiness was long gone and my sorrow was waiting to come out. Not only has this happened once but it has happened to me about three times or more, and each time I expected it less, and it hits me even harder. It may be, because I am getting older and the fact that new groups are being made and the desperation we have to fit in is quite big but nevertheless I was always in that struggle. Right now, from my point of view, I have no friends. Many say that they are but I feel so alone sometimes that even a crowd of people would make me feel bad. I remember the hardest moment that I had was, me crying, lying on the floor of my kitchen, alone on a Friday night. I tried hugging my dog since they say that doing that can have better effects on depression but instead my dog just ran off to a corner and started to signal me to let him out. There I realized, I was even turned down by my dog (my dog of 4 years). There I felt truly alone. That night I felt the blood seeping down my hip. The only place safe from the eyes of others, the only place I knew that, even if there was a scar left no one would see it. It was the first time I even saw blood. I would never cut that deep. I was afraid always, of the pain. But even that the pain of even the deepest cut is no comparison to the pain of loneliness.

There were days where I would sit alone. Seeing people just walk by and not even a word was directed to me. I started going to the bathroom every recess because I preferred being alone in a bathroom stall and crying until I had no tears left instead of facing the fact that I had no one else. I have always had a huge sense of who I wanted to be and I’ve always been unconfident so I didn’t want people to see me as the weird girl who would locks herself in the bathroom, and like a princess hope that one day someone would save me, but deep down inside I wanted someone to see the truth and actually care. About two months passed and no longer did I cry, I sat there watching movies, looking at pictures, trying to make a smile form on my face even though I wanted to die every second I was in there. I had no confidence to go to the cool kids table and sit there and laugh with them. But as time passed people started realizing that I would always go to the bathroom and although I was dying inside, they did nothing. It only took about 5 days later for someone to ask me if I was ok. And as every single thought of killing myself, cutting myself, and crying myself to sleep came to mind, I said I was ok. And even though I was hoping for that someone to say “I know you´re not”, that never happened. And just like that my only chance was gone. The next day everything continued as normal and the thought of the girl in the bathroom was gone.

Sorry for the long post 🙉
xogymfish xogymfish
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 15, 2014

I like how you reflect about yr own situation, I dont mean that in a mean way. Yes, you are stronger than you realise. I can be yr anonymous friend if you just want to talk to somebody :) Have a good day!

Life can be lonely. That is a given.
As difficult as it may be, You have to put yourself out there, meet people. Take the chance.
Talk to meet a thousand people.
You will find that one person that gets you completely.
But you have to start the search.
You will have to weed people out of your life, thin the garden so to say, but once you do this, the flowers of friendship are a wonder to behold.
Stand strong and seek that which you desire.

I have read your story and I would just like to say that
Your a young girl I bet your beautiful
You have your whole life to lead
School years are tough but you get through it, we all do. Concentrate on your grades.
You have more going for you than you realise and you get one chance one life to live to the full.
If you want to try and get out of this deep black hole that you are in you need to change your mind set and think you know what, things are positive and I'm going to beat this.
Only you can do that.

Start tomorrow as a new fresh start.
Pick yourself up and fight. Look in the mirror and see a positive beautiful young lady.

You can do this. Don't give up on yourself x

Thank you

You don't have to thank me.
I just understand.
But I also know you can do this and your stronger than you realise X