Over and Over Again...with Feeling

I was born to parents with middle class aspirations and a clear vision of what they wanted to provide for me. I was kept warm and safe and dry. I knew my limits with them and I was definitely loved.

How I came to be so filled with dread and self-doubt is a mystery to me.

I was good at school and had friends. I was praised for my strengths and given---I believe---appropriate consequences for my mild transgressions of youth.

I was not derided or dismissed. I was part of a large and vibrant community of neighbors, family and community.

How I came to be so isolated and self-destructive is inexplicable.

I cycle around two main themes: Things can only get better and Things will always be this way, why bother.

They fight a lot.

Right now I am struggling to stay focused on what is in front of me to do instead of dwelling on my FEEEEELINGS or my past or my many possible futures. I just want to feel good about getting the house clean, doing right by my kids at work (I am a teacher) and making a little place for me to be okay with myself in the world.

Hope is, ultimately, what keeps me trying. Hope for change, hope for understanding, hope for peace.

That's all for now.

frankkiejo frankkiejo
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2007

It must be a build up of all the little things that make you feel that way. Or maybe you are just looking at things in the wrong perspective.