Im Lost In Wonderland

a few months ago my momma signed me up for therapy.
see, im only 15, and im the most withdrawn person in my family.
and its true.
i keep secrets, and i dont like telling people too often.
or how to tell people.
so instead i just bottle things up, because i dont want to complain to my friends all the time and have them leave me cause i was bringing them down.
at school, most of my happiness is fake, theres always something in the back of mind thats bothering me, and that thing is telling me to cut.
from holding things in, i started to hate myself, cause i feel like everything is my fault.
and dont even try convincing me its not my fault.
maybe if i had gone out with dad and his girlfriend on fathers day, we wouldve gotten closer.
maybe if i told my momma earlier about my problems, she wouldnt have to spend all her money on therapy.
maybe if i found a job, i could help my momma financially.
and so many more things.
and hating myself so much, i think i deserve the pain, the bleeding, everything.
i wanna scream, but i know i cant, because im not the kind of person my family thinks i am. im the happy good girl that doesnt cut or do drugs, but honestly, i dream of getting abused, doing hard drugs, and i havent quit cutting, and i think ive developed an eating disorder because of my views on my weight since i hate myself so much.
and since i hate myself too much, i feel and look fat. and i cant stand it.
i basically starve myself. and its all because im lost in my own little world, where i know everything, and i dont plan on coming back.
b3w4r31b1t3 b3w4r31b1t3
13-15, F
Aug 7, 2010