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Only Dreams

Is it love at first sight? Hell no, i don’t even think that exists, but one thing I am sure of is that it’s love. I have known her for four years now, we kicked off as class mates and two years later we were best friends, best friends she says, but all i see is the love of my life, the love i will never get.
I remember the first time we went out only the two of us, it was a cold winter night and all we did was talk for hours, i never felt happier, time seemed to fly by at least for me. It became our routine, we met every Thursday and simply talked, we talked about everything. Friends often tell me that i never say how i really feel and it’s true, except with her, i shared all my secrets with this girl and she did the same, i told her how i felt about everything, except how i felt towards her of course, otherwise i wouldn’t be here writing this. Since then i have never felt happier, until almost a year ago.
If i could just recount how many times i caught myself daydreaming about her, daydreaming about impressing her or being her lover, but for some reason i could never ask her out or tell her how i truly feel. I had many girlfriends before, but what i was feeling here was different, i never felt this way about anybody else before that. i know you must be thinking what the hell is he doing writing all this while he could be telling it to her, but that’s the problem, you know how i said “i have never felt happier, until almost a year ago”, well that’s where it gets complicated, she is taken.
“i have never met anyone like you before”, “you are so amazing”, “i love you so much”....is what she used to tell me, it made feel so special. One thing that killed me is when she came to me for advice about guys, and like an idiot i always gave her good advice, i guess because i just wanted her to be happy. One thing that i can’t get over is the slight possibility that she felt the same, but just got tired of waiting on me to take the first step, that is something else i don’t get, why is it always the guys that have to take the first step?
Now she is with another man, and i feel like ****. I never thought they would stick to each other this long, but unfortunately for me they did. I wasn’t the only one she loved anymore, she now had another shoulder to cry on. to think that this guy doesn’t even appreciate her, i know i could give her so much more, but that’s not gonna happen. I know this might sound mean and cruel, but everyday i wake up hoping to see her looking like a mess, crying that he left her and seeking me for comfort.
I have tried to persuade myself that i like someone else, and i did it for a while; but my heart always comes back to her. Now i can’t seem to be able to have a normal relationship, as all i think about is her and i’m sick of it, it’s all my fault because now she is taken.
ibahc ibahc 18-21, M Feb 18, 2012

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