Just Stupid

My heart hurts, literally hurts. That horrid, some thing is not right feeling that comes from deep inside. He’s furious with me and keeping a low profile which translates into trouble. I’ve tried to speak to him, even just to call and check on the kids, one word replies are all that he offers. I did get a “don’t worry, it will be just fine, you’ll see” in that diabolical, demon voice. After 20 years of being near someone you know when they are up to something and he so is. I don’t do fear well, I cower to him always. I just want to call the whole stupid child support thing off. I’m better at playing the puppet than I am the master and he’s proving that to me more and more. My thoughts are racing, my chest pounding and my eyes, filled with tears. How can one person have such a horrid effect on me? How can he have so much control? Even when he yells I just sink, literally. When I had the surgery, the very same day I came home, he had me cornered, just screaming with his hands in my face and all I could do was slide down the wall and into a ball, crying, helpless… HOW THE HELL CAN SOMEONE MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WEAK!


If he’d only hit me, just one big whack, get it over with already. Then I would have something to show, something that allows his true colors to glow… instead I get the screaming, the manipulating, the “pet the puppy then kick it”. *heavy sigh* I hate this life!


mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
7 Responses Mar 4, 2009

DO not fear him and he Has an obligation to support his children, and if he does not want to do that then he is not a man, do not fear him in any way. cm

Split , I know you are scared of him but he should be helping you support his children .

I appreciate the kind words and encouragement... he just gets me everytime and a bit frustrating and pathetic

Hey - I feel for you. I was married to ex for 9 years. He literally controlled EVEYTHING. I am still new to being apart from him - and I still cringe in certain situations, or when I hear him on the phone telling me to do something, etc. <br />
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They get this control over us because over time - we let them chip chip chip away, and it seems normal. <br />
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You are going to be OK. I know what you are going through - and yeah it is so hard. But we can do this ... keep your chin up hon. You are ONE strong and powerful woman and a fantastic momma !! :)

Long ago while raising my kids in the "Sunshine State" as you are doing I experienced much of the same "nonsense" that you have been going through. My only suggestion is you gather the intestinal fortitude necessary to beat this jerk at his own game. It is not easy. "Remove your buttons" that he oh so dearly loves to punch. The time invested to do so will eventually save you the time it takes to regain your own sanity. Less stress for you, more quality time for you and your children. I know the "court system" you are dealing with and the obstacles and impediments being placed before you. You are multifaceted, a diamond, a sparkler and someone that is capable of outwitting "Mr. Unwonderful". Do not mistake my words as one who is dismissing your plight or your feelings. There is a better way.

honestly everytime i think about it i start crying and losing my stupid voice for the millionth time this year... just wanna crawl into the shower and lay there under the steaming water and make it go away

im sorry split. i dont do well either. most women dont. if you need to talk message me or something. ill have my grandkids tonight tho for about 5 hrs.