Bipolar Disorder Has Become My Life...

I've come to learn that you are born with bipolar disorder and that its wicked wrath comes out in your late teens or early 20s.  It's very true, at least for me.  I think I've been bipolar my whole life but wasn't diagnosed until I was 19 after the death of my mother (I'm 25 now).  I was in a heightened manic episode of incessant partying, promiscuous sex, and very little sleep.  It was then my doctor prescribed some mood stabilizers.  And the rest is downhill from there. 

Right now, I'm coming out of a horrible depressive episode that has put me into a partial hospitalization program.  I've become a cutter...and my up and down moods have taken over my life.  Just writing this now makes me sad.  I wonder, will I ever get better?  Will I ever be able to control these horrific mood swings I have?  My medications have changed yet again and now I have to divide my pills into a pill box because there are just so many to take.  This is my life...
brownie17 brownie17
22-25, F
7 Responses Apr 1, 2007

Hi I noticed your story and by God I have similar feelings and I too have been through hell and back with the medications now I am on a downward slope too with Depakote. i feel like I am dying have the time and then on top of the world not to meniton I have no patience what so ever but I know one thing my favorite piece of furniture is a bed! Yes A bed! I could lay there all day and also watch tv or sleep when I am in the sleep stage but of course I have those marathon nights too and it sounds like to me even though I am not a doctore you may have a bit of Borderline personality disorder any one ever tell you that one?? Talk to me please

I am so glad I found this site. As I type this, I am crying. Being bipolar has affected my life 110%. <br />
Like you, I believe you are born with this illness. It just takes something drastic to completely bring it out. My problems started as post partum depression after the birth of my son 5 years ago. What should have been the most happy time of my entire life was the saddest. I ignored it and just thought it was the "baby blues". It got worse. Much worse. To make a VERY long story short, I have been seeing my psychiatrist for almost 5 years now. I have been through just about every anti-depressant and mood stabilizer and anxiety medicines. I am still not up to par...not even close. I can't work, I can hardly leave the house. My mood swings are horrible. And the worst part is that I can feel them coming. I feel myself "changing". I know when I need to chill out, but I can't. My meds aren't helping. I feel like I have lost all hope. I have been suicidal. My life is in a tailspin and I just can't take it anymore. Being bipolar is ALOT worse than what people think. They think you can control it, and you can't. I have lost friends because of this, and am now afraid to attempt to make new ones because I know I don't have 100% to give in a friendship. I try to tell people that and they think I am just brushing them off. <br />
Anyone have any advice for me? Anything you have done that may help? I am desperate here. Thank you.

I know exactly what you are going through. I was in a depressive state for seven months after having my first maniac episode. I thought the FBI wanted to recruit me, I was very delusional. It was one of the worst times of my life. My problem was I would get on meds and get off meds because I was always diagnosed with depression and my boyfriend at the time kept telling me that he could not be with someone who took medication. I finally started to come out of it when I had to undergo shock therapy. I felt like hey I am the girl from one flew over the cuckoos nest. Today, I have been without mood swings for almost a year now. I feel kind of depressed today because my boyfriend dumped me on Monday.But I remember the hell that I had been through, and I am grateful to still be there. I would recommend talking to a therapist and if you are going to psychiatrist go to him or her. You will be okay, just lean on the people who love you.

I think we can all agree that this illness SUCKS! I've been off meds for a few years now and you learn to recognize a change, can't control it but you see it coming. It's a day by day thing and sometimes minute by minute. I try to laugh all of the time as much as I can and hold on to those moments for the bad times. It isn't easy and probably never will be but you have friend here that understand and there are local support groups if you need it. E me anytime for anything. You will beat this!

I am new to this, I have just been diagnosed. I have epilepsy as well so some of the medications are the same for both conditions, my condition has not been that bad when I am taking my epilepsy meds on a regular basis. My mother believes whole-heartedly that I was born with bi-polar disorder. She said I was the strangest child and my mood swings were horrible from birth. She tried to get me the help I needed but nobody would believe her. I was born with spina bifida and epliepsy as well and the doctors told her that I was just having epileptic fits. I don't have seizures that much anymore. Maybe like once every six months, but I sure do have "episodes" a whole lot more often than before. I am more manic than depressive and ever since childhood I have thrown tantrums. I literaly go into a completely different zone in my head and scream and throw a fit and throw things, whatever I can get my hands on and then start hurting myself. Someone has to shake me or smack me in the face to get me out of it. I know that sounds pretty harsh for them to do that but it is the only thing that has worked since childhood. I have developed a new form of self-mutalation now, I am no longer cutting I am plucking. I know that sounds weird but I pluck all of the hairs out of my body and sometimes I pluck until I bleed. It is not the same as cutting but it is definately painful and I can't stop. I can do this for hours on end. If anyone has any similar experiences with these behaviors please let me know. I am just now starting treatment and I am 25 years old. My mother used to take me to psychiatrists all of the time and I would bs them into thinking there was nothing wrong with me and nobody would beleive her. but now I am ready and willing to get the treatment that I need because of my umpteenth failed relationship and this one really hurts I really wanted this one to work out but I have to fix myself I know that now. Anyways I hope to find a community of people that know what I am going through so that I don't have to feel ashamed anymore.<br />
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thanks

Your second paragraph makes soo much sense to me, although i haven't been hospitalised so far, i've seen the doctor and had a blood test, i am now waiting for the results, i had my blood test due to the fact that i have no idea why i'm depressed, i am a cutter and writing or listening to discussions about depression and self-harm upsets me. a friend said to me its amazing how quick your mood changes, one minute your pretty content and joking around the next your getting irrated and moody with everyone around you, but i can't help it so i feel asthough shes blaming me when she says it, as if i can do anything about it.

i HATE taking all those pills!! but, i know that there have been times that i needed to take them, to save my life. you may need to take them, too but, there's other really important things you can do, too!! you can be like me and start to be more proactive....i decided after an attempted suicide that i would NOT let "Bi-polar Disorder" run me...instead, I have taken charge. there are many moments when i'm afraid for my life and SO ******* TIRED of mental illness and the way it screws with my mind....but, ultimately, i understand that I AM THE MASTER OF MY OWN DESTINY REGARDLESS OF WHAT LABEL ANYONE PUTS ON ME or how hard it is to beat the mood swings and mind *****, sometimes. IN THE END, I WILL ALWAYS BE VICTORIOUS!! My heart and prayers are with you. i love you...hope you can feel just a little bit of that love...and stick with your program!! even if it doesn't change everything or even if you can't feel the positive effects of your treatment right away...even if those effects aren't nearly as bountiful and positive as you hope, remember that there is always tomorrow....there will always be room for something better to happen!! learn from the things you are going through, including the pain...everything happens for a reason!! and, it might help you to read the story i wrote called "Life, Death and the Miracles of Living" in the "I Know About Bi-polar Disorder" experience group. Hang in there, kiddo!! I'm with you!!