Dazed An Confused Part 2

So it's been a long time since I wrote something for this site so I figured I'd give an update of whats been happening to me. I understand that it is hard to deal with being bipolar or any other mental illness for that matter, I would like to say difinitavely that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I can't. It seems like everytime I get close to this light that I speak of it always gets just beyond my reach.

I am going to be 24 soon, and I thought that dealing with this as bad as it was at 22 it would pass and I would be better, in some aspects yes, but in many more not even close. I've been rotated off and on many different medications and they do work...for a period of time and then they throw me right back to where I was. I've been seeing more doctors lately than I would like to and they all say I've made progress for seeking help on my own but the condition seems to be getting steadily worse than before. I figured with rapid cycling it would send me back to normal for a while but I don't notice it, I just get angry, self loathing, overly aggressive or just so down that I don't want to see anybody. I always think that I have done something wrong.

On the bright side I was so good in group that I went to a facilitator training and got certified for the state of Washington as a mental health facilitator. I recently just wrote an article for their newsletter that they said was going to get published soon, so why everything is good I am so anxious and unhappy with everything that I feel put me in this situation. I hate myself so much at times I don't like to look at me, but I have people in group that look at me as a brave, beacon of hope for them. So I put on a face and help others but my advice doesn't work for me. It's easy to help others but when it comes to looking at yourself in the mirror it's harder because all your issues and pain become realer.

I don't want to admit this because it makes me feel like less of a man, like I don't matter, but sleeping son't ask me to, I stay up for days like 2 or 3 sleep 4 hours sometimes between them but it's never a healthy amount, then when I can't take it anymore I take alot of my meds that make me drowsy and I crash for 14 hours this isn't a way I would promote living. I love all the people in my life eventhough the relationships have changed durastically through the years, even a short amount of time. I hate sleep, because I remember almost every dream I have vividly and they haunt me when I lay down the next time. My mind races so much at times lately that I wish I could turn it off, be some one else. My problem that I recognize with myself is that unless you catch me one on one you never truely get the real me. You get pieces of me, the most truthful I am is when I write, which seems harder lately because it hurts at times to look deep within myself and put down what I really feel.

On the bright side I take this time to educate myself on what this disorder truely is, by me working for this non-profit organization I want to be able to talk to somebody and hopefully make it difference for them and also for me so I don't feel like I am completely worthless and a failure. I don't blame others for me anymore, that is a huge step, I realize that most of my problems and insecurities arise from my own experiences and my own sub conciousness it's not anybody elses fault, just mine. If I alienated anybody out there that knows me just know that I don't blame any of you for my stuff anymore. Through research, and talking to others just like me I don't feel so bad, I actually feel like I can be worth something and that I am not just a waste. My goal is to be able to talk to people one on one maybe start a practice doing this and I am on my way within a year I should have my own group that I am in charge of in between Bellevue and Tacoma, Washington. I already have so many people tell me that I am an inspiration and one person told me I saved his life! I just smiled and shook his hand I don't think I deserve all the credit but I am happy that this person is doing well. The only difference between me and him really is that he seeked help earlier on and yes got locked up for mental evaluations but he is my hero, he took a stand for himself something I don't want to do just yet because I fear the results.

To all of you thanks for the support because although I hide it and made myself a recluse and a hermit at times I give you all the credit because it can't be easy dealing with me all the time, I have a hard time with this so I can only imagine how you guys feel. When you all met me you never signed on to be my coach or babysitter, so I am saddened and proud at the same time, sad that I don't see anybody as much as I would like but proud that everybody that I met seems to be moving forward in life. Just know that this late night dreams that I get happen all the time, it's kinda like family guy in a sense, I will be talking to somebody or at least I think I am, sometimes reality and these dreams seem to coincide with eachother and problem is, is that sometimes I prefer the dream and the fantasy as opposed to whats really happening because I have a little more control of what happens in my mind than I do of the real world as I see it. I know I see it differently than others it's not all bad but it's not all good either. My one wish is that I can at least raise awareness so that people can talk about it, I can start a large discussion that puts an end to the myths and stereo-types that come along with mental illness, so to end this here's to trying and fighting to succeed. Thank you all and you all know who you are. 

makdaddy53 makdaddy53
22-25, M
Mar 4, 2009