I Can't Figure It Out

Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. As each day progresses without a peep from him, I grow increasingly bewildered.

I tell myself he is not a cruel man.  That there must be a reason.  But I am darned if I can figure out why he remains incommunicado, given that he knows how very much I care for him, and how I look forward to some message, however small, from him.

I understood that he might decide to rebuild his marriage.  And perhaps that is what he has done.  Just gone cold turkey in an effort to focus on his wife and leave behind the woman with whom he'd played for the better part of a year on the internet.

But he knows I am a living, breathing person, not just a series of bits and bytes on a screen.  He has kissed me. 

I went to the box office of my favourite concert venue today to buy tickets for some upcoming shows.  As I peered in at the man behind the glass window, I saw a wall calendar behind him.  I waited for him to print out my tickets and I read the large quotation on the calendar:

Hope is important because it can make the moment less difficult to bear.  If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

That is what he was for me.  Hope of something fun and pleasurable.  Something sexy and romantic and exciting and sweet and physically powerful.  But looking at the calendar, I was reminded of how many days had passed since he had communicated.  Hope is waning.

I asked the ticket guy who said the quote on his calendar.  The name was printed to small for me to read.  He tried to say the name, then gave up and wrote it on a scrap of paper, which he slipped under the window to give me.

That Thich Nhat Hanh fella was pretty smart.

Right now I am having difficulty with each moment.  And I do not know that tomorrow will be better.  At least not when it comes to GV.  I do not want to look at calendars anymore.  I do not want to check gmail or EP or tumblr to see if there is any sign he has been online.  I just want to curl into a ball.

It's easy to lose hope.

I write out the check for the tickets, noting the date is five days since I saw a bit of him in chat.  I spell out the dollar amount.  One hundred and fifty sex dollars.  I look at the writing.  I cross out the e and replace it with an i.  Clearly, I am just a sex fiend.  That is all this is, is lust.  We don't know each other well enough to feel love.

Yet I do.  But the hope that he does is fading with each hour and day that goes by.
milkynips milkynips
46-50, F
1 Response Sep 20, 2012

Awwh That's sad, I hope he let's you know somehow why he has not spoken to you.
I know how I feel after talking to people on forums and then one day or month it just stops, I can't imagine how you feel after actually meeting him.
Take Care. *Hugs*

Thanks.