Resentment And Unforgiving

Okay so I know I am in an abusive relationship but it's not your average controlling type or that even happens frequently so I find it hard to leave. We have been together for 5 years I don't really remember why would used to fight like we did in the beginning.Sometime I feel I would make him angry on propose to see if he was going to hit me again like he promised not to.
Anyways he never was controlling over me I would go out with the girls all night dancing and drinking. He never checked my cell phone or facebook nothing like that. Even when we would go out together in a group setting with friend I would dance with other guys and he wouldn't care he isn't the jealous type at all. He also works and pays half the bills,takes me out to dinners just a really nice guy and thats why I find it so hard to leave.

When it first started seemed like he would hit me twice a month than it finally stopped it's been 3 years now,but it every now and than when were argueing I bring it up and throw it in his face cause Im still really hurt by it. I try to push him to be violent even sometimes become violent my self and he will push me to the bed and hold me down and than he feels so ashamed crying that not the man he wants to be, but thats the way I want him to feel to remember the bad days cause I still do. I feel like a horrible person I even kissed one of his best friends to get back at him for hitting me.I wanted him not to want me anymore but he still did he was just hurt I did that to him.Now the same friend I kissed(2 years ago) is staying with us for awhile .I don't want his friend here he's a sponge and annoying.

I really don't know what I want to do stay or leave. I feel bad even writing that I want to leave him cause I know how much he really does love me he would do anything for me yesterday he told me me and our 2 dogs are his everything but I can't get over the past I don't know how he just moves on so easily If he ever kissed one of my friends doubt I would ever talk to him or her ,but not him he just forgives me and moves on why can't I.Even though I know it's wrong that I sometimes hit him now which cause him to hold me down or push me if he was to really hit me again I don't think I could leave him even though its the fuel for my anger and resentment it's so werid of me.Really the only way I think I could really leave him was if I knew he didn't love me anymore or if he cheated on me than I could def leave him.I feel like a freak I will stay with him if he hits me but if he cheats on me thats when it crosses the line what a joke right.

I still love him deeply can my relationship be saved ?
Lizzy345 Lizzy345
26-30, F
Dec 2, 2012