Damn Fake Smile

I am john and i am19. Something far worst then being raped by a person is being raped by a person you trusted, you love, your own family. I was 8 and i was allowed to sleep over a cousins house. It was me, my two girl cousins, and him. At this time he was 14 or 16 i'm not sure.
We played all day to the point where it was time to go to bed. I had to sleep in his room because we were boys and i could not sleep with the ladies. I slept on the floor because i didn't want to sleep with him in the bed, but that didn't make much difference. It was really dark and i could see nor hear anything. Everything felt like a dark dream, a nightmare. He slipped into my covers slowly as if he wasn't trying to wake me. He tugged at me as though to ensure i was sleep, but i wasn't. I just wasn't sure what he was doing. I thought he was scarred and just wanted to sleep next to me the same way i do with my mom when i was scared and little; but that was not his intentions at all. He slowly pulled down my pants and i still wasnt sure what was going on. he pulled down his and pressed his skin against mine. I did not like this at all so at this point i tried to move away, but he pulled me back. All i could feel was a thud and my body and my mind felt as if it left. As if i were in tunnel vision.I felt as if i had stopped breathing. He eventually was through and emptied his crap inside of me. He told me not to tell anyone or he would hurt me. I felt weird, dirty. All i wanted to do was go to the bathroom and clean myself off.
I thought that was the only time he would do it but he did it till i was 12, until his sister caught him doing it to me. She asked why i never told i said i dont know. She cried and went to her brother and yelled at him that he was a pervet and that she was going to call the cops. She didn't. She came back to where i was and told me that i could not tell anyone not even my mother. i have to hold it in forever. i could not tell a soul of something that is still affecting me till this day.
I have to wear this damn fake smile every damn day. I eventually forgave him because he was young but i still hate him. He ruined me. I can never trust anyone. I have problems with girlfriends. I have problems with friends, but i still wear this damn fake smile.
deleted deleted
9 Responses Oct 27, 2012

i am so sorry to hear this.

I used to have something that i have to hold it with myself, i could not tell anyone. Then i realise it will haunt me forever, so i let someones in, someones that i can trust, i told them everything i can, i know that i couldnt tell them all but what i told them were good enough to make me feel relieved.

i know it's hard to do but one day you'll meet someones... and u can tell them everything

Ps please start smiling from inside, and u wont have to fake it at all

good luck John

Time heals all. Give it some time. You have what it takes and can get past this experience.

Sorry to hear that hun. God will help you through. Depend on him and believe

Yes we do hun

im so sorry

I know how you feel as I too was sexually molested by my brother when I was 4 and I was raped by a cousin and if you need a shoulder to lean on I am here for you

You are so strong.
I'm sorry you have trouble with your relationships.
But you will make it.
You've made it this far, because you know how to hold up.
I envy your strength.

My sympathies are with you. However, look at it this way, "You are gifted. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know nothing in this world can take the memories away, why not cultivate them in such a manner that they fuel your desires of succeeding in life. You have a lot of potential lad. Hit the gym, make some marvelous gains, which will surely polish your personality.

"You are gifted. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." r u serious?

You do have major skeletons in your closet. Some unresolved issues I guess...

u dont know anything about me ,but i know these words hurts alot ,stronger ?how ? i hate these words

You are right, I don't know you. Allow me to tell you this, the answers that you seek will come to you in time. The longer it takes, the more frustrating you get, they will eventually come but how soon totally depends on you. It depends on the way you perceive situations and people. Build yourself now for a better future.

i dont seek answers ,i know what i need to know but this is not about me i said u shouldnt say these words for ppl who have been in similar situations because it hurts them more and its not real not in these situation and i know what im saying

I don't agree with you that it hurts. If it hurts then why didn't johnnywat reply and you did. I have helped enough people, actually more than I can remember get back on their feet, so I know the drill. It hurt you even though I didn't actually say it to you cause I didn't know your story up till now. You are in a denial phase. As for your comment on knowing what you need to know, this is an advice, knowledge is like a sea, the more you drink from it, the more it increases.

it doesnt matter its just stupid words ,dealing with similar situation doesnt wont make anyone stronger ok?and im ot in denial phase or sh*it like that i heard these words before ,u wont understand so whatever

4 More Responses

This is so ****** up, there is no reason for anyone to think that this is okay, his sister is no better for telling anyone especcially not the police

Wow hes honestly extremely messed up- & his sister is no better for not telling the cops- I feel sorry for your trama---