I was young when it started, I remember liking the attention from an older boy. I was 6 and he was 9 or 10. Throughout the years I craved attention like that, and eventually became very promiscuous in my teen years. My father was never around, became an alcoholic soon after I came out. I was signed to a modeling contract in NYC at 18, did that for a few years and never thought of the abuse or exploitation of my body as a negative thing. I was always a bit of a wild child, experiencing life to the fullest and life of the party. One night I blacked out because I was drugged, rented out to men through the course of the night and awoke in a dingy, strange apartment with a strange beefy man who said "he took care of me while I was out." I left and not until I came to an hour or so later with blood coming out me realizing what had happened. I've tried my hardest the past two years to get this man put away, working with a detective who I created a close bond with and an advocate. It's over now as of three months ago, and only recently have I come to accept it. I've lost most of my friends, its been difficult to keep a relationship, I hardly trust anyone, it's hard to keep a job, I have random freak outs and breakdowns when I'm triggered. I've come to accept my life, but I still freak out sometimes, especially now I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I became dependent on drugs and alcohol at one point, but cleaned myself up because I don't want that life. Though it is nice to escape reality sometimes. I tried to overdose on the one year anniversary, a friend found me and I spent a week in the hospital. I know things will get better, and I try to stay as optimistic as I can, but when will it end? Sometimes my emotions get the better of me, and I can talk about it more freely now. I just want to not feel so alone anymore.
matthewquinn matthewquinn
26-30, M
2 Responses Dec 10, 2013

fake story

Are you getting any therapy?
...The place I go to for therapy is a nonprofit and also is LGBTIQ-centered...If you're in a major city there's likely something similar.

Yea my therapist has helped me the past year and a half, though she moved to a different state recently.

I hate when that happens... :(
I have been working with a trauma specialist for the past 7 years, off and on. Seems like a long time, but I have a lot of trauma. :/