It Happens Every Time

It doesn't matter how close we get, or how good of a friend I am. People just stop liking me over time.

It's not even something I can sit and feel sorry for myself over. Because it's somehow my fault. I try to be tolerable and I try to be nice. But it doesn't matter. There's just something about me that rubs people wrong after a certain period of time. I would love to know what it is, so I can fix it. But the sad truth of the matter is that people like me have to exist to make others feel better about themselves by comparison. They feel low and they can think about me and say, "At least I'm better than that."

Out of all the friends I have had in my life, not one stayed in the long run. All of my friendships ended because they walked off and never contacted me again. And maybe because of that, I'm too paranoid. Whenever someone hasn't talked to me for weeks straight, I always come to that conclusion. And guess what, I'm normally right. Every time I train myself not to like someone anymore, I never hear from them again. Maybe it's just a lesson on the ephemeral nature of friendship, especially young friendships, but I can't prevent it from making me second-guess what kind of person I am in the long run.

I never vocalize it when I get suspicious, of course. I never come out and ask somebody, "Do you not like me anymore?" What I do is I let them go their way and condition myself not to give a crap. I don't know what that did to me, but now I just feel like this bitter, cold and distant person. I hate everyone. Everybody I meet, I pick apart and criticize. Not to their face obviously, I wouldn't do that. But inside, I could just loathe you before you say two words to me. I know that makes me a hypocrite, so I don't ask for sympathy for that mentality. Hell, I don't ask for sympathy about anything I'm listing here. Because, as I said, it's my fault in some way.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism, maybe I'm just a jerk and that's why people don't like me. It's all so ambiguous from the inside.

Only one thing's for sure. I'm going to be one lonely man my whole life.
Discard92 Discard92
22-25, M
3 Responses Sep 6, 2012

Well written, very much me.

I don't know, there's groups out there with similar people. I am lonely sometimes, but I get what you're saying in that there's people that need us to feel better about themselves. There's also people that need me for support. They may be young, or emotional, or whatever, and they may abandon me over time, but I think that's just the ephemeral nature of life and relationships. Seriously, it's hard being a dependable person and a nice person because it can provoke evil things in other people, like mass media slander that is accepted simply because of the fact that you live in a small crap country without proper legal recourse systems in place, or harassment for several years, backstabbing and using you, etc.

So yeah...I'm feeling pretty self-conscious, right about now. lol

No, but in all seriousness - I totally get that! I should probably think of joining this group (but I think seeing it on my page would probably depress me further lol)