My Babusia♥

I know someone amazing. She is my heart and soul, the only reason I'm here today and not making a complete mockery of my life.
She is my baba, (grandma in Ukrainian) my guardian angel. The only person who has ALWAYS been there for me. Even when I thought she wasn't. Even though now we often butt heads, I'm the cause of it (being a stupid, stubborn teen). She has always and will always be the strongest, most self-sacrificing, hardest working person I know and love. I'd love to say she inspires me, but the truth is I'm terrified to even try being like her. Rather, I would say she inspires feelings of love and admiration in me, as well as a sense of awe and wonder at her abilities. Unfortunately, as she gets older, her health fails and I am struck with horrifying instances that could be my last moments with her (like mini strokes and other health scares). This also causes me to imagine what it will be like when she does leave, and I am thrown into a wild mental panic in which case I try to push the thoughts away and desperately think of something else. (Think not, want not.) I'm scared. Because I know that the person I love most, is being done a great injustice by having to put up with me, and to continue to suffer on this Earth with my selfish plea to keep her. I'm afraid she will go before I become someone enough for her to be proud of. I know I'm her greatest disappointment, and I don't think I could live with myself knowing that's the last way she'll think of me. I hope to be better before that happens. I selfishly pray to keep her with me until I can change her view of me (even though she may deny it sometime, that I'm a disappointment). She is amazing. I am awful to take advantage of her, and keep her with me. Denying her the rest and peace she so deserves. :(
Kalynka Kalynka
18-21, F
Jul 9, 2010