I need a community of friends. Here's my story:
I have always been addicted to abusive men. I fell in love with more than one...
I am a single parent. My son is 20 years old and my daughter is 11 years old. (Neither of the fathers have been present)
Until recently, I seemed to be doing great! I had been out of my last relationship for 3 years. I have been feeling pretty fulfilled and handling life as good as anyone can when they are alone.
Right before Thanksgiving, my son's father called my family. He told them that he is dying of cancer and wanted my son to know. I have not seen this man since my son was 13 months old - 19 YEARS! It was difficult, but I decided I would call him back...
My heart was racing....I didn't know if this would be the same man I knew years ago. I didn't know if this would lead to forgiveness and peace. I, honestly, wasn't sure of his motives. When we were together, I was terrified of him. He was a very mean person with bursts of outrage and anger and could become very violent.
Well, when we talked, he said that he wanted to make ammends. I told him that he had given me the most beautiful gift that life could ever offer anyone - the gift of a beautiful, healthy son. I thanked him for that gift and reminded him that if we had not been together, this child would not be here and what a blessing the world would have missed!!!
Well, my ex and I decided, after our talk, that we should get together. I went to see him on Thanksgiving Day. I was so impressed! Here, this man that I remembered as an alcoholic, abusive, drug addict had changed his life!! He now had a home and a 16 year old daughter. GOOD FOR HIM! During our visit, he was gracious. I met his daughter and her boyfriend. Our visit was nice.
I called my son and he agreed that he would like to meet his father. During Christmas break we arranged to meet for dinner. It happened to be my birthday - it was the BEST birthday EVER! My son and his father and me and my daughter.
My ex and I have continued to talk since this time. We have spent a couple of more times together but the cancer is SO unpredictable. One day he will feel really good then, the next day he may have to stay in bed all day. I wanted to believe that I could be there for him. Each time I see him, I still feel the same way I did so many years ago.
Here's my situation at present.......We all went to my ex's house for Christmas Day - my children and I were late arriving but my ex had said, "Come any time you want - no stress - it's just an open invitation - no set time for dinner, etc" although the ham will be ready at about noon. Well, I decided that my ex would probably like some time with his family before we came so we did not arrive until 6:30. We exchanged gifts, visited for a couple of hours and then left. I could tell that my ex was tired and in pain so I thought we should not over-stay. Well, apparently, I made some really bad decisions because now my ex wont even speak to me. I tried to call several times but the phone kept clicking off so I thought there might be a problem - but I could hear him screaming - the only thing I could make out was "******* *****" - now he doesnt call me and has even blocked my phone numbers.
I am so upset and obsessed by all this. I wanted to bring him comfort, peace and forgiveness. I thought these would be the greatest things I could offer, knowing his situation. He has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer; it is not treatable and his prognosis is very poor. I AM SO SORRY for being late on Christmas Day! I don't know.....maybe I said something wrong. I have a tendancy to say stupid things eventhough I dont mean them the way they come out sometimes. I have no way of communicating with him now and I AM VERY SAD and hurt by this whole situation. My son says he feels nothing because it is just like meeting someone for the first time. He doesnt equate this man as his dad/father because he never knew him. My son is planning to visit again with his girlfriend on January 18 - January 20 but now I dont know what to tell him.
Why did my ex do this to me? What did I do wrong? What about my son? What stupid thing did I say that "set him off"? I know it sounds terrible, but, I think my ex was thinking that if he got in touch with us, he would somehow find absolution for his soul and then be able to go to heaven. I DO NOT want to believe this, because, in my mind, that would be terribly selfish on his part. This would mean that eventhough he got a job and landed a house, that his character did not change. Maybe this is my issue; I always wanted him to "get it together" (stop the drinking and drugs) and be with me. Now, he stopped the drinking and drugs but still doesn't want to be with me. HARD, COLD reality!
I want to be there for him in his time of need. Why? I have a wonderful son because of this man. I have forgiven the past, my strength is in today; one day at a time.
This is only a small part of why I need a community of friends. I need people. I like talking. I like sharing my story and I want to hear from people who care.