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Letting Go

I know I love you,
I just feel dead.

This unexpected grief and sadness that we have been battling for over a year now.
We were happy, I was happy- Before.
Until the cancer,
Until the terminal
Until the sickness pounding in her head.
We're at the mercy of the ghost.

She changed us all, not a bit
Just a lot.
Its not anyone’s fault
But our own.
For the way we have taken things into our brains,
processed them,
We damaged ourselves with all this pain.

Pain, depression, sadness.
It all acts like an acid. Eating away at our soul, heart, and selves.
And we can barley even realize it,
We're not even in this world enough to acknowledge it.

Floating in our own realities,
Designed to help us escape the consuming pain.

It's like I have a blanket masking all of my emotions on top of me.
Suffocating me.
And finally when I manage to take a simple breath of air,
I end up slammed to pieces by the fresh air.
By realization of what I have been unintentionally blocking out.
What we have been blocking out.

We shouldn't pretend it doesn't exist.
But we do.
And that is how we live this life.
Day by day,
Colourless and dull.

In this world
Everything happens for a reason.
We were forced to grow up fast,
Become adults faster.
No time to be a kid,
No time to play games.
Thirty year olds repressed in a 18 year olds body.

Immaturity is out of the question.
Because of cancer.

I have made a decision that in order to heal myself,
I need to stop dying under that blanket.
I need to open my eyes and fight this
“Friend”
That has been sucking the life away from me.

She's the one dying,
Not me.
The last thing she would want is me not to live my life.

Experience nature,
Experience happiness, joy and all emotions.
I need to experience life.
Because why else would we be here.

But to merely live.

And here we are.
Instead of working together to be stronger,
Instead of holding hands and feeling taller.
Our relationship is on hold.
Because of this emotional block we have been living.
Dead but alive.

Maybe tomorrow the colours in the sky will be brighter,
and the warmth of the summer sun will finally be inviting.
And I wont blame myself.
For the cancer.
jenniferxlove jenniferxlove 18-21, F 5 Responses Aug 10, 2011

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To be honest it never stops hurting until you can fully accept what happened. I havent yet. And I don't know if I ever will.

SO sad.

My mother died on 9/8 of cancer. I am still in a lot of pain for loosing her. Seeing slowly go from a mother full of energy to a withered woman not able to take care of herself. I was there when she took her last breath at 7:05pm/ I am so lost now. When will it stop hurting?

My boyfriends mother has terminal cancer, it is stage four and started in her breast, worked its way up her vertebrae and ate away three, and currently resides in her brain. The treatment she was on was working significantly until the cancer mutated and became immune a few months ago

My Grandmother had cancer as well and it hurt me soooo much to see go. I finally let go like a year or two ago but I grieved for 3 years. I loved her sooo much. She had brain cancer and lung cancer. She didn't want therapy, she was ready to die. And now I accept that answer :)