A Wild Animal Is Chewing On Me

It wakes me, usually well before dawn, and is with me, in one way or another, throughout my whole pill-punctuated day.

Most often I don’t feel at all hungry, but I force myself to eat something, as I can’t take my pain-killers on an empty stomach

(“Pain-killers” is a misnomer, of course: they do not kill the pain at all, just blunt its sharpest edges so it doesn’t cut so deep. The best it ever gets is when I am asleep, when the pain lies comatose beside me.)

I do what I can, throughout my waking hours, to distract my brain from the stabbing and the throbbing and the slicing in my muscles and joints, try to ignore the burning, itching, aching in my bones. But it is always there, in the background, ready to attack me when my guard is down.

It is usually at its aggressive worst when I wake from my afternoon nap. It leaps onto my back and launches its angriest assaults just as I am at my busiest, preparing dinner and helping my son with his homework.

It is nearly four years now since the accident at work that robbed me of the effective use of my left arm, and repaid me in pain and pill-dependency. In that time, I have tried the affordable alternatives –the TENS machine, the physiotherapy, the dietary supplements, the massages. But nothing so far has seemed to work.

My prognosis isn’t great, since some major nerves are damaged beyond surgical repair. But $100 thousand would go some way, I am sure, toward relieving the depression that accompanies my pain. My insurance settlement, much delayed by bureaucracy and medico-legal wrangling, is just over the horizon.

So keep your fingers crossed for amberdextrous, my friends.   

*   *   *   *   *

UPDATE:

 THANK YOU MY FRIENDS! It seems all the positive thoughts, the prayers and the pleas for Universal Justice have paid off! My lawyer told me today -February 17- that my settlement will be in my bank account by the end of March!

amberdextrous amberdextrous
51-55, M
16 Responses Feb 16, 2010

It is one of those things you have to live with to really begin to understand. I am sorry for your sufferings and wish I could suffer them for you.

i see.

I`m going to church today, I`ll remember you and ask God to have mercy on you.<br />
<br />
I love you so I want you to live happy without pain.

profound

YIPPEEE!!!! I am so excited and happy for you that your gave you good news!!!!!!!!<br />
I will keep that candle lit and the prayers going that all goes as planned. Hugs and more hugs and lots of joyous kisses for my little brother ;') I love ya, Sis

I am really humbled, Neeran. Thank You for your comments, and for sharing your own painful circumstances. For someone who has suffered as you have to appreciate my story so and to be so supportive, you must have a huge heart yourself.<br />
<br />
tgrsldy, Thank You for those masses of hugs! Suffering is always relative. To be deprived of one's lover is to suffer a very real kind of pain, however different it is from the physical pain of my situation. Frankly, I am not sure which is worse.<br />
<br />
Thank You for the affirmation and the hugs, gryf! Like you, I try to call it as I see it.

i know a little of what you feel - carpal tunnell syndrome both hands - had surgery but i am left with minor nerve damage that still causes pain - sorry to say but painkillers will do little for nerve pain - there's not much hope with that - but if you find something you can focus on - you might be able to work beyond the pain - hmm.. numb your mind to it as it were.. there may also be some meditation things you can do to numb yourself to it - not sure but know that pain killers aren't all that helpful. I found for myself that it wasn't worth the disapointment of them not working at all - now you might have other pain than just nerve damage as such so the pain pills might help with that. best of luck and hope it helps a little.

It's a great gift you have. The courage to express honestly what is in your heart. Hugs, gryf

Excellent post , Dex....made me feel selfish and petty for whining about my own small troubles. I will, indeed, include you in my prayers.<br />
<br />
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dex)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I feel some terrible pains in the nights buddy. So I could some what feel your hurtings. I was in the hospital for 10 days suffering from an unbearable pain last week, I couldn't walk since 22, Almost my entire youth life had been spent on wheel chair and four walls in my house. On some occasions I couldn't even get from my chair I used to slither on the flow with pain. I just wanted share with you because you too almost on the same boat as me. You deserved to live a jollyful life because your a great man with a huge loving heart. I care for you friend may god give you relief.

Wow! Thank You, my friends, for all the lovely comments, positive thoughts and prayers. As anyone with chronic pain knows, all the pills in the world don't add up to one decent shoulder to cry on. And you can't overdose on them! The loving support of friends really does help me manage!

I will say some prayers for you. It sounds really terrible. I'm so sorry this happened to you. *HUG*

Fingers, eyes, and toes crossed for you x

many hugs*i make a wish n pray u feel better...

Thank You for the loving thoughts and prayers, Sis! I know you know what I am talking about. I love you lots!

Oh, my dear, I know about the pain and I am so very sorry. I will pray the pain eases and also light a candle for you that your insurance settlement is, indeed, on its way!! I love you, ((hugs)) Sis