I didn't hang around long. It happened only two times in the past 3 weeks but it was enough to know. This is difficult because he's the most beautiful man I've ever met. I was ready to be an adult rather than a child in a relationship with him. I felt myself growing and changing with him. He was clearly in love with me.
I know I made the right decision to disconnect for now. A dear friend who is in 7 years recovery from near-death heroin abuse told me that the worst thing to do for someone in denial is to stick around and try to help. He has to see that losing control around cocaine it is costing him dearly--costing him a relationship.
It's not the end. I can be a stand for the love that expresses itself even in separation. I can recognize that love and express that love when I talk about him to others. Rather than ridiculing him, making fun of this emails. He's a great man and I'm helping him to be even greater.
Nonetheless I'm also mourning. I don't want to pretend that everything's ok. I want to take very very good care of myself, be gentle with myself, connect with people and express my caring for them.
Dear God, hellp me to write words that will help another here. Let my words express your love and compassion, and not just be in vain. Thank you for giving me the strength to leave. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to heal. It's an honor for me to live this life of service and of love. It's not always easy, sometimes its very painful. I know I'm never alone.