Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Help From Life And Love Coaches

I'm 54 and she's 52. We both are ending a bad marriage. We have a long and storied history of 35 years that you may read on other posts that I have made.

Her: Lives in Colorado, married twice, last marriage of 19 years involve have two children. Her marriage has been bad for 16 years but stayed because of the kids. She has experienced the best that finacial life can offer through him but after he lost his job 4 years ago, he's really gone down, Although there is no physical abuse, they are completely removed, but still sharing the house because of the kids. Also she has gone back to school, got a professional degree in message therapy for cancer patients and hospice work.

Me: Lives in Minnesota, married for 19 years, no children. I own a business that is a resort, it is only open in the summer, very sucessful. My marriage started going bad after the first year, we hardly had sex at all. I wanted to have children, but lack of sex stunts that. She was sexually abused at 6, and this had the most to do with that but i did not learn of this until after we were married. Then she had a medical issue that prevented her from having her period, which she hid. 14 years ago we began working the current business and I hoped that working together would help things. It didn't. We stopped even sleeping together, she downstairs me upstairs. We seperated a year ago.

Us: Its long, drawn out, and almost surreal story. I met this most beautiful girl in the world 35 years ago in college. I fell deeply in love with her, but she was my first real girlfriend and I had no idea what I was doing. But she really like me and she did her best, it just didn't work. I never got over her. But a year later we tried again, same results. Over the years again and again we attempted a relationship, always the same result. Then one day, I just excepted a job that would take me away from Minnesota and I decided to eat lunch at a place I never been to. That's when we seen each other. We got together for lunch and found she was married. Her first bad marriage. I told her that I still though of her often.(In fact I believe that any relationship I tried I found myself comparing those women to her...no chance). I went away. We stayed in touch. Then though letters, we decided to meet. i kept coming bad to MN to see her and yeas, we had an affair. I knew it was wrong, but I was so in love with her. I quit my job and came back to Mn to be closer to her. It really only lasted a few months. She seperated, was on her own, she seperated from me. Divorice is very hard no matter how much you want to leave. We stayed in touch for awhile. Of course, I just couldn't get over her. Everytime I tried a relationship she would contact me and it would end mine. Then she stopped contacting me. A year or so later the new phone book came out. I looked up her name and sure enough, it was there. God how I wanted to call her. I thought about it all the time. This may have beed a bit obsessive I know. I thought about which day I would call, what time, i even wrote down some notes for things to talk about. Hate that silence thing. I was just ready to pick up the phone and it rang...it was her. I know, spooky. She said that she was thinking about me for a while now and just decided to call. We attempted another relationship. Sh, however, was going through a party phase. Drugs were involved. It didn't work. She did stop after a while, got her degree. Then came the phone call. She was leaving the state for a job, she just wanted to say goodbye. I told her how I still felt about her...she thought that it was best not to see each other before she left. I was devastated. Istarted seeing women again and met my wife. I did get a call or two from her where she left a message, but no phone number. Always saying that she thought about me and hope I was doing well. Ya. After 3 years, I married my wife. I did not hear from her again. During the first year we were married, things started going bad. I started thinking about her again. Then came the dream. More spookiness. She came to me in the dream and showed me her baby girl. (yes, that was when her girl was born) The dream was so real that after waking, it took a while to realize that it actually didn't happen. I, however, started thinking more and more about her. This did not help our marriage. The house that I lived in when I knew her, I rented out to my aunt. She called and asked if I could fix something later in the week. I found time one day and went over to the house. She was there. yep more spookiness. She was in town and decided to drive by...then she stopped to see if my Aunt knew me. They sat down and went through the wedding pictures. Then I show up. I found that she remarried, has two children, and was living in Texas. Her husband was a ranking big shot for Chrysler and they moved around the country often. Their marriage was in bad shape. She was here for a funeral. Since I rarely go over to the old house, this was quite a coinstence. We exchanged addresses. Got a Christmas card from her every now and then, I sent some to her. Then they just stopped. I however thought about her often. It is 14 years later. My mariage is in ruins. I started thinking about her more and more often. Then came the email. She saw my resort on the web and said someone once told her that if you were thinking about someone...let them know. We became Facebook friends. We chatted more and more. We talked about our marriages, and even how much we missed each other. My imagination went wild. I always felt that some day, some way, we would have another chance. This must be it. Problem...I stillcared deeply for my wife. I made a commitment. As bad as it was I was completely torn apart. I saw a councilor, therapist. I started feeling better. I seperated from my wife. She stayed in the house in the city, I went up north at my business. I started planning and thinking how iI could make this distance work. Then, she stopped texting, talking and chatting with me. Oh boy. She told me she got a job, then there was the kids, she was taking classes on the side, and was doing part time physical therapy work. She was busy. I knew what that meant. I even used that line a few times in my past, but i gave her the benifit. I thought she just needed her time...then again, so did I. We would text or try to call each other now and then...just staying in touch. Evertime time pasted without hearing from her, I was convienced it was over.
Then out of the blue, I got a text that said she was in town for her brothers 50th birthday. Would I like to come and see her. wow yes. I got very excited, the get toghether was great, she was the most stunning person I'd ever seen. But then she has always been. After the party we had a short time to talk and she right away asked about me and my marriage. Her demeanor seemed to change when she found that I was still married. I told her I was just try to help my wife get on her feet, she was having a hard time finding a job. She though I must be holding on. ( maybe I was in a way, I hate giving up things, that is obvious) The next day we had breakfast together and a long talk. She told me her plan was to get the kids into college, her husband wont divorice her until after the kids are out of highschool, we wants to finish her training, start her profession. She will be working with cancer patients and hospice homes. It really doesn't sound like she wants to move away from Colorado. My business is in MN. This sounds hopeless. There is so much time that needs to pass. I asked her to talk later today to clarify somethings. Hope I'm not pressuring her too much. I always am hoping. It will be interesting. Dont know what Im going to do.

Advice?
fishingtime fishingtime 51-55 5 Responses Feb 21, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

It's hard to know that you have to walk away from something that you wanted so badly for it to work. I am there too. I wish you peace and happiness in your life.

I am really, really sorry. This is really hard, I know. It do not know why it has to be so hard to just be with the one we love.

Thanks. I know most people go through a tough break up. This time I was so sure. Moving on is the hardest. i keep thinking...what if....

I did get clarity...it wasn't good. Her husband moved out. She needs time to heal. It may be years...she did not want to give me false hope. I was hoping for something she didn't have to give. This sucks...dreams die. After all these years I thought there would be one more chance....never had a chance.

I hope all went/goes well.

She's going to call me later today.

I hope I don't blow it, it may be the last chance in this lifetime