I Know Hurtful Words All To Well

I have been married twice and both times it was abusive. The first was physical & emotional the second time it was emotional. I finally divorced 3 years ago & have been going it alone. It is much more peaceful alone. I literally wasted most of my live in bad relationships. I use to tell my second husband it would hurt less if he just hit me.  Which shocked even myself when I first heard those words come out of my mouth. I guess you could say my first husband was more physically abusive. My second was more verbal/emotional. I made bad relationship choices my entire life. After I found the courage to leave my first marriage I swore I would never get back into a bad marriage. Then when I met my second husband....... I did not see it as abusive for a long time. Because he never hit me I still did not accept it for what is was. I was in that relationship for 20 years!! It destroyed what little worth I had left in myself. I divorced about 3 years ago. In the divorce I was court ordered half his pension which he was paying me up until recently. He kept trying to convince me to give him a second chance. He moved on with another woman, broke all ties to me & his children & stopped paying me. I do not know where he is. Maybe I am better off but I desperately need that half of the pension money to make ends meet.  I have no way to find him, he has no family, I was in a car accident, my car was totaled, not my fault. Unable to get to work I lost my job. It is very frustrating. Anyway..........I know about words that hurt all to well.
onnmyown onnmyown
51-55, F
Nov 27, 2011