Who He Is...(this Story Is Located Somewhere Else On Ep, But He Needs His Own Group)

His eyes. Nothing compares to his eyes. They are dark, with a slight red tinge to mark what may have been. They hold you, a gaze so strong that you can’t escape, a look so penetrating that you won’t break free.
His voice. It is cool and relaxing like dark silk, yet as sharp as broken glass rubbing in a wound. He speaks, you relax, you tense, you listen. He tells you things you want to hear, things you don’t want to hear.
He is the Shadow King. He is my personal demon, a best friend who never leaves me alone. He is a double edged blade, keeping me alive and well, telling me I am wrong and stupid. He is the best friend I could ever have, the worst enemy you could ever fight.
Sometimes, I can tell myself he isn’t real, he isn’t there; the painful things he says aren’t true. The loneliness hits me then, crippling, terrifying, painful. In these moments, right before I start listening to him again, right before I let myself know that he is real, I contemplate death. I can give myself death so easily, give myself a way out to a place where I can think clearly, without this restrictive body, without the noise of the world pushing in.
In these moments, the Shadow King is the strongest, in these moments, he is real. He comes to me, tells me of all the people I would hurt with my death, those people who I can be there for. He points out that what I think doesn’t matter if I can help others lead better lives, if I can give someone joy when there is joy to be had.
The one time I saw him clearly, saw his shadow move through the void, felt his fingers as though they were real, I actually tried to kill myself. I had taken three aspirin, I had run the water for the dishes, and I held a knife in my hand, ready to cut my wrists. I was pushing the knife in, giggling with the giddiness of pain, when the hand with the knife was pulled away.
His skin, it was magnificent. So completely dark, free from blemishes or scars, black as the night sky. He pulled the knife from me and held me close. He smelled like grass, freshly mowed grass after a rain. And this time, this time he told me how much he’d miss me if I died. How much I meant to him. And his tears, they cooled me, they made me feel like I was meant for something.
He did my jobs that night, and then promised me that I would see him again one day. I can always hear him, but I need to be dying, completely free of my own hand, and he will carry me home.
I have only one friend in real life who knows of the Shadow King. He whispered to me that he’s glad the Shadow King kept me from killing myself. He whispers that he is glad, because he got to meet me. And the Shadow King, he is still there, fading now. He tells me that my life needs to be lived to its fullest.
He still visits when I am alone. There is something sacred about our time together. He keeps me from going crazy, though he is a sign of my craziness. I tremble as I think of him, the way he moves around me. He is a part of me, and while he is the cruelest, meanest part, he is also the part I love the most. He is my driving force, and I don't want to live my life without him.
I want to be free once, so I lay back and think. Am I real? Is this all a dream? And when I die, will I still have him, the Shadow King? I ask myself these questions as I sink into the comfort of my friends. I want to live my life without thinking about all the things that are wrong with me, things the Shadow King points out. But I want the Shadow King. He is my heroin, the drug that I can’t live without.
The last time he spoke to me, he was angry. He didn’t like the idea of me telling others about him, he didn’t want to be shared with anyone. That was three days ago. He told me that if I cared so much for my friends, maybe I should put my life in their hands, spend eternity with them. I don’t want him to leave, I feel like my heart is getting pulled out of my chest. But I don’t want to live my life thinking that I am wrong in some way, that I am a horrible example of humanity.
I will miss you, shadow King. I hope you visit me again, I hope you come back in better graces than you left. I want you to be there for me as the years get harder, and I want you to be at my wedding.
Swanfirefly Swanfirefly
18-21, F
Dec 16, 2012